Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Do you remember your first time?

...Your first time getting drunk, you sickos.

I remember mine quite vividly. Luckily it wasn't a black-out scenario or involve a hospital visit. Like most people, I hated beer with a passion when I first tried it. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how people drank this stuff willingly because it seemed soo disgusting to me, and I had real trouble even finishing one can (yep, can). I was so ecstatic when ulcer-causing drinks like Mike's Hard Lemonade came out because finally, a drink I could almost enjoy! I remember splitting a 6 pack of it with 2 of my friends...yep, 2 for each of us...and apparently that did the trick back then. Wow, what a cheap date.

Anyway, like I was saying, I could never manage to drink enough Bud Light to get a buzz. I'd always give up frustrated. And, if you're wondering how we even got Bud Light during sophomore year of high school, that was easy growing up in Fairfield, CT given that there's a disgusting, filthy ghetto nice little "town" called Bridgeport next door. Helpful Indians at interesting corner convenience stores would happily sell us the beer, put it in a brown bag, walk out looking not suspicious at all and then place it in the trunk for us. We could have been about 6 years old, and I'm pretty sure it would have been fine. All in all, it was a pretty safe procedure (and that was just the beginning of the night). The exact kind of scenario parents like to not think about as they're tucked in bed wondering what Sally and Bobby might be up to that night.

Since Fairfield is full of suburban sprawl and not much green space to speak of, the most logical place for a bunch of underage rich kids to get drunk is at one of the bajillion elementary schools. Yep, why not bring a keg and set it up in the back near the playground? Seems like a great idea. So, that's the first time I got drunk. I must have been in real rare form that night because I didn't even seem to mind the keg beer that much. I'm pretty sure I managed to drink 2 or 3 cups somehow, and then I was tanked. I had a blast!!! I remember looking really natural falling back against a fence multiple times, my friend got punched in the face for some reason that we clearly weren't capable of understanding, and I told some kid that I had a crush on that he had "nice facial symmetry" (that did not seal the deal). What a compliment, right? I'm pretty sure I was also chain smoking that night (I don't smoke).

Then the cops came...I'm sure it was hard for them to find us at the back of the elementary school and all, but somehow they managed. I tried to talk to one of them, but one of my semi-sober friends was nice enough to help me not get arrested by pulling me away. It was either the same night or another night (at another keg party at another freaking elementary school) that my friend also twisted her ankle and lost her car keys. Those seemed like minor details that were quickly dismissed until the next morning when her ankle was all swollen and purple, and we had to like suspiciously peruse through the bushes at the school to try to find the keys.

But, ya know what? I felt GREAT the next hangover to speak of. Getting drunk in high school is awesome. Everyone should do it! Not only is your tolerance super low, but you never get hungover!

Nowadays, I need to drink way too much to even get buzzed, and I get hungover sooo easily. It sucks.

Friday, March 16, 2012

My Friend Nicole!

I'm usually not the type of person to have exceptionally large groups of friends. Like, these girls that get married and absolutely need to have 8-9 bridesmaids because they were all cheerleaders together or in phi alpha pi who gives a f*&#...soooo not me.

Most of my life, I've had a few very close friends. Sure, there are certain groups that I remain close with over time (like old work friends) or 'couple' friends that I had when I was in my last relationship. But, for the most part, I've kept the same few friends over the years. I don't get to see them a ton because one lives in Brooklyn and one lives in San Fran, but we do the best we can. And, it's worth it because it's hard to start new friendships with the same merit from scratch at this age. Plus, they kick ass and most people annoy me, so ya know, it makes sense to foster/maintain the current relationships.

Butttttt, the person I decided to write about tonight is my friend Nicole who lives in CT. I met her during my last relationship because both of our ex boyfriends used to work together at a restaurant.

Basically, she exemplifies one of the kindest, most sincere, caring, and fun loving people I've ever met. It's so rare to find someone with all of these qualities. And, it's sooo rare to find someone who doesn't just talk about themselves...who actually asks questions about you and LISTENS to your answers (most people are not really listening and just thinking of what to say next). And, then she asks more questions because she's genuinely interested. I'm generally not the type of person to talk a lot about myself to someone, but I always end up doing so when I talk to her! Oh, and it's not just me...she's like this with everyone! She's just interested in everyone and everything and is always in a good mood. She has this real zest for life that is so apparent and honest and somewhat contagious, and everyone that meets her loves her.

She's the type of person that would let you come over to her house unannounced and actually be happy about it and not care that she's not prepared. And, she wouldn't seem the least bit stressed out. She'd probably even let you stay for a month.

She's totally the type of person you'd want as a mom because she'd definitely be one of the 'cool' moms.

Aaaaand, to top off her wonderful personality, she can cook really well, always has expensive vodka on hand, is really pretty with long blonde hair and blue eyes, is well traveled, gives excellent advice (wise beyond her years), gives me lots of free clothes aaaaand she's a big time producer for ESPN that won a Murrow award. Uh, hello, talk about the epitome of a perfect person!? Sorry men, she's taken.

I'm not a closet lesbian that has a crush on her or anything like that, I swear. And, I'm not trying to marry her off because she already has a boyfriend, like I said. I'm just really thankful to know such a truly wonderful person/great friend with such a sincere and lively spirit!

That concludes my post. Love ya Nicole! Thanks for being you, I miss you, and I hope you never change :)

Monday, March 12, 2012

My "Job"

Sometimes it's hard to come up with material for this blog to keep all my avid readers (a.k.a. most likely 1-3 people...and by "people", I mainly mean relatives) happy...especially since I don't want to write about anything too personal. But, since I've gotten zero so many special requests to talk about what I do at my "job", I figured I'd be nice and oblige everyone.

Right now I'm working part time at H&R Block for the tax season. I started in January, and the job ends in mid April, so needless to say, it's a pretty huge commitment. I don't do the actual taxes though. There are retired people for that. I mainly just stand around up front and get hit on by creepy, old men.


Scary, old man leaning over the counter a little bit too far: This is your part time job, right? You model the rest of the time? :big smile and too much looking up and down:

Me:'re funny. :nervous laughter:

Scary, old man: How old do you think I am?

Me: Probably about 60 or so? (looks to be about 105)

Scary, old man: I'm 75! I look good, don't I? I just had open heart surgery last Thursday!

Me: Wow! You better take it easy.

I don't mind it all that much. At least I'm entertained. If it's not that, it's most likely another old person telling me all about their life story...which I honestly don't mind either. Some of them are quite interesting. It's just funny how soooo many people come in, sit down, and start rambling on and on immediately about themselves. Meanwhile, I'm literally on the phone setting an appointment for someone and such and such is still yapping away unphased. Ummm, I didn't hear you...I was on the phone.

One guy told me he was Santa during the Christmas season because he "loves kids"...then proceeded to show me a picture of him dressed up as Santa on his phone. I guess you do have to love kids to do a job like that (??), but that's a little weird for my taste. I told him he should have become a priest instead...zing! Kiiiiidding.

If it's not old, retired people with lots of money coming in, it's the complete opposite...backwoods trailer people that work minimum wage jobs. I'm not sure what's sadder, honestly. Some of the old people are in such rough shape, but they're still so chipper and call me "sweetheart", etc. And, so many of them come in saying they lost their husband or wife last year. It's a little heartbreaking and grounding. But, the trailer trash (haaa, for lack of a better word) are also sadness inducing because they make hardly any money and need their tax return money sooo badly. It's a little startling because so many of them have the worst teeth, reek of smoke, are divorced with a million kids, etc. It's disturbing, but you also kind of have to feel bad for them because it's a completely different upbringing. It has to be hard to overcome if you're brought up that way, don't get a good education, etc. And, then it's a vicious cycle from there. So, that's what it's like. You're from one neighborhood or the other. $93K a year (on average) during retirement or less than $20K a year. It's crazy how money rules all and is the ultimate differentiator.

Anyway, so on a daily basis (well, 3 days a week since I'm only working there part time), since I'm the front desk person, I perform a multitude of tasks that only a college graduate with a very specific skill set can master. I answer the phone, set appointments, pick at my nails, help anyone that walks in, pull people's tax files from last year, text on my iphone, make tax folders, play spider solitaire, process payments, file, go to the bathroom way more times than is needed, etc. But hey, it's an easy job, and I see lots of people each day.

The part that is annoying though (along with the fact that I'm basically volunteering there) is I can't wear capris or open toed Florida, no less! As if the sight of my ankles or toes is really going to put someone over the edge. How is that inappropriate and/or arousing? I can appreciate some corporate guidelines, but do we really all need to pretend we're Mormon? Ugh. Plus, I can wear a skirt. So, a skirt is ok but not capris that are longer in length? Makes perfect sense. Who makes up this bogus shiznit?

My coworkers are pretty much all older but very nice. It's funny how after you work with people, they all start to resemble characters from a sitcom show.

Ok, I think that was a good enough post for today. On to bed now! At some point, I'll talk about what I do during my other 2 days of working!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Time is Tricky

"Time is tricky. You have whole months, even years, when nothing changes a speck, when you don't go anywhere or do anything or think one new thought. And then you can get hit with a day or an hour, or half a second, when so much happens, it's almost like you are born all over again into some brand-new person you for damn sure never expected to meet."

E.R. Frank

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

My Guy Requirements

I know I've talked a lot about Ryan Gosling and Tosh, but most likely, those are unrealistic expectations. I can only steep in such unbridled anticipation for so long. For now, here is a list of things that will suffice in my future perfect male specimen.
My Guy Requirements Strong Suggestions:
1) Taller than me
2) Not religious
3) Good sense of humor
4) At least mildly attractive (this does include not being really fat)
5) Have a degree and/or a decent job
6) Be a nice contributing member to society (or something??)
7) Non smoker and active
8) Please don't think it's fun to kill animals with a gun. Obviously the animal is going to HAVE A GUN
9) Know how to use a grill and maybe a power tool or two
10) Know the difference between there, their and they're (this is IMPORTANT!) I think it also goes without saying that I expect you to know how to read. Hmmm, maybe that should have been number 1...
Extra Brownie Points:
1) Likes dogs
2) Thinks the show "Modern Family" is funny
3) Has a beard
4) Flosses your teeth
5) Knows how to fix, anything/everything
In Return, Here Is What I Will Provide For Little To No Money Down:
1) I will really look like I'm listening intently even if I'm not
2) I promise I'll try hard to move out of my parent's house before I turn 30
3) I'll show you how to load the dishwasher properly
4) I will cook dinner if you will wash the dishes
5) I'll keep everything clean and organized since I'm OCD
6) I'll try to 'put out'...maybe a lot in the beginning but probably only 1-3 times per week once things get serious
7) I'll chip in on my half of the bill
8) I'll wear make up...even on the weekends!
9) I will shave my legs at least once a week
10) I'll pretend to like your parents and no one will know the difference
11) I may decide that I want to have a child/children sometime before the age of like 35
12) I'll try to leave my work outfit on for at least an hour after you get home before putting on something pretty hideous
13) I'll let you beat me at any sport
14) I'll let you pick the movie 50% of the time

Well, that's a good start. So, why am I single!?

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Are those shorts or underwear?!

My aunt was visiting from CT for the past few days (Tues. night through Sun.), so I've been bad with my blog posts already. We had fun though...went to the pool, out to dinner in Orlando, beached it in Boca Raton, relaxed, etc. It was a really nice time. I hadn't seen her since right before I moved to FL which was the very end of Sept., so it had been a little while.

While 'shopping' (in quotes because I actually bought nothing except for pajama pants, which don't really count) in Boca, I had an alarming realization. Perhaps it was because I was around a bunch of really young people/teeny boppers which obviously doesn't happen often in The Villages, but it all of the sudden became clear to me that maybe I shouldn't be shopping in the 'juniors' section of stores anymore! Let's face it, I'm really not a junior in any way, shape or form. I know, I know, a harsh fact of life at the ripe age of 29, but true. I felt so old. Not only because I don't have acne or braces (anymore) but also because I can't tell their freaking ages anymore. Someone that looks 16 can be 23, and I'd have no clue...NO CLUE! Or visa versa. I just can't tell anymore! Am I that decrepit and far removed now from their demographic?!

Not to mention, most of these 'juniors' look a lot cooler than me. I could wear the exact same outfit as an 18 year old that looks super fly (just kidding, I never say those words in real life...), and I would look like a bumbling idiot (plus, my crotch would probably be all sorts of hanging out, but we'll get to that later when I talk about the shorts which conveniently double as underwear). I guess that's natural though since I'm pushing 30, haha. But, it's hard to find that little niche/fine line in between looking like a bubble gum pop princess or looking like you just stepped out of "dress barn" or "fashion bug". Alright, I suppose it's not that hard, but it's at least a little hard...and, I'm just trying to get my point across. It's a balancing act to pull off looking put together in a somewhat stylish way without looking like A) you're trying too hard to look trendy/young or B) a soccer mom. Neither options are good...I need the in between!

Thankfully, I've never been particularly large. In fact, why am I saying 'thankfully'? Sure, I'm thankful now, but back when I was younger, I used to cry in dressing rooms because I was SO thin, no matter what I did. I literally looked like one of those emaciated kids in the sad commercials with the flies on their face ...and, you want to send them money because not only do you feel really bad for them, but the music in the background is extremely depressing and I'm assuming has subliminal messages. Yeah, so that's seriously what I looked joke.

Anywaysss, nowadays, I usually range between a size 4 to 8 depending on the store or style of clothing. So, hellooo, that's not bad at all for fat, disgusting, obese America. But, seriously, who the f*#@ is wearing some of these doll-size clothes I see in clothing stores? Sure, maybe these stores aren't necessarily for my exact demographic, but even still, a size zero in a juniors section is like a negative 16 in normal women's, it looks like it could fit my old American Girl doll, Molly, and FIT PERFECTLY. Or, it looks like it could be a GLOVE FOR MY HAND. As stated, I am not a large person, so if these clothes aren't fitting me, who do they fit? I guess the 7th or 9th grade version of me. Good luck fat kids.

So, getting back on topic to the shorts...I saw numerous shorts that looked EXACTLY like underwear. Boy shorts underwear...only they were actual shorts. And, I mean, even if I can pull them off (and by "pull them off", I most likely mean wearing the largest possible size and my crotch still might be hanging out a little bit), should I be? I think the correct answer is no, it just doesn't seem appropriate on a respectable 29 year old. A girl working in one of these stores had on a pair of one of the aforementioned 'shorts', and they looked great on her. They actually didn't even look that inappropriate. And, I'm pretty sure her natural blonde hair was blowing in the breeze...even though we were in a store, so there definitely was no breeze. Yep, teenagers...they just have it so easy. Eh, well, not really, but in many scenarios, yes.

So, to wrap up this educational whirlwind, I guess what I've learned is I should try to steer clear of the juniors section a little more often now that I've realized I'm not 18 (cut me some slack, you might think you're 18 too if you're around 70 year olds all the time). Even if I can 'pull off' some of the clothes, it's not going to be conducive to attracting my future mature and rich husband.

For now, I'm left wondering...what am I supposed to wear? Lesbian looking bermuda shorts? Full length pants 24/7? Capris? Are there any decent shorts for someone my age (the kind that are appropriately short and provide cooch concealment)?!