Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Blah Blah Blah

This is going to be a list of complete and utter mindless, unhinged thinking. Trash? More random tidbits for your delight. Pointless points. Blabbering. Offensive? Diarrhea of the mouth. A slew of nothing important.

1) Do you ever have the unknown urge to paint your nails a somewhat odd color like yellow? And, you're not completely sure why because you're fully aware yellow is a weird nail polish color. But then you realize, as you turn the last page, that you've been reading a bright yellow book for the last couple days. Ooooooh! Thaaaaat's why.

2) Oh my god. Ok, so the book I just finished reading that I was referencing in #1 was something I also talked about in a very recent post - a book called "This is How" by Augusten Burroughs. Obviously it's yellow (if you haven't made that connection yet, you're too dumb to even be reading this dumb yammering, so just go sit in the corner). But, right before I read that, I read the book "The Help"...which was, you guessed it, also yellow! Oh-M-Gee. The mind works in mysterious ways I suppose.

3) Do you have those bands or albums (I know I can't really say 'albums' since I'm not thaaaat old, but I'm going to because saying "CDs" or "tapes" sounds majorly stupid) or songs that really bring you back to your high school days or 'glory days' or whatever you want to call them? The moment you hear them, you can remember exactly what you were doing and feeling the very first time you heard them? Album-wise, there are two CDs that really do this for me. Probably more if I really wracked my brain thinking harder about it. But, I'm not going to. So, these two CDs are Ben Harper's "Fight for your mind" and Rusted Root's "When I woke". Don't ask me why because I don't think I particularly listened to them all that much, but they resonate with me just the same. Maybe it's because they were good CDs to listen to in the car...eh, or something like that?

4) This is cheating and is just going to be a continuation of #3. I just didn't want to get you all upset when, in the back of your head, you were all like "gee, #3 is getting awfully long...when is this going to end? I'm feeling antsy" So, hooray, you made it to #4! If I had to choose one band that I felt really summarized my youth, it would have to be Dave Matthews band. Sure, maybe a stereotypical pick for a white girl that grew up in CT but just shush your face. I have the right to choose this band for this very same reason...aaaaand, I've gotten drunk, underage, at so many of his concerts over the years, that I deserve it. And, getting high on train tracks and peeing in the woods countless times has to count for something too.

5) In all honesty though, I'd really choose Neil Young, not Dave Matthews. Not because I've actually been listening to him for longer. But just because it feels like I have. Seems like a silly, small difference, but it's not...not really. 

6) How do girls walk around in high heels? I get the small heels or wedges...even I can manage those. But, I mean the type of high heels that are so grotesque that even looking at them is painful. The kind, that when on your feet, make you walk around like Bambi taking her first steps (Bambi was a girl, right?). Or Cinderella's ugly stepsisters trying to wear her glass slipper. Maybe I don't get it because I've never walked around in really high heels for any length of time. The main reason for that is because I don't generally enjoy bordering on 6'2". Call me crazy. But, seriously, even if I were short, I wouldn't ever wear some of those horrific looking heels because I don't like being in severe pain. Guys get to waltz around in loafers while girls wear stilettos? Oh really? Can we also get a period every month, carry a child around for 9 months, and then push it out our vajay? Ok, cool.

7) Why do people love to talk about themselves so much? Way too many people are way too interested in just hearing themselves talk. I want to be like, dude, ask me a question. And, if you do, listen to the answer. Don't just be thinking about the next thing you're going to say. Geez. It's like, you want to believe everyone is good and nice at the core, but a lot of people aren't. For me, personally, I could maybe handle all that. I maybe could if you weren't also Type A and all extroverted and expressive. If you're a combination of all that stuff, dear Lord. Please, just don't talk to me. I can't handle it.

8) Why are so many people so religious? Aside from the plethora of reasons. 

9) Can everyone please try to keep their baby making to a maximum of like 3 children per household (less would be preferable)? Just because you like litters of children doesn't mean that mother nature does. Population growth is exponential.

10) Gee. I'm fresh out. I should really try to come up with a #10 though because that's such a good number to stop on. Oh! I have a good one. This is a little embarrassing though. 

I drink my tea with a straw. 

I felt the need to separate that line so that it seems like I'm admitting I have a problem. In actuality, I don't care all that much, but half of this blog is just for looks anyway. So, I usually need to have tea each morning to act like a happy person. Not that I really need the caffeine...it's just that I like the flavor and the routine. I really do. I find the whole thing quite enjoyable. It's kind of how I like to have 3 alcoholic drinks before bed (sort of kidding). Anyway, back to the tea. My mom used to give my brother and me tea when we were little. Yep, here kids, have some caffeine at your tender ages. (In retrospect, I guess I shouldn't have been all that shocked when I received Kahlua in my Christmas stocking on my 16th birthday (my birthday is on Christmas Eve)). She claims it was less about the tea and more about the milk. Back then, we still thought milk was healthy, and my brother and I weren't big fans of milk, but apparently we liked tea?? Lol. So, my mom would make it with mostly milk and a little bit of tea/sugar, and we would happily slurp it down with straws. It even became a nightly saying...my brother would yell into my room from his..."Goodnight Em, love you, see you in the morning, drinking tea!" Yeah, I know, so fucking cute your heart is going to fall out, right? Well, that's what we'd do. He had a blue straw. I had a pink one. We'd drink our tea in the morning, read the fucking newspaper together before school, and we were also quite fond of dunking graham crackers in there. Sheer delight. Anyway, sadly, I've never been able to break the habit. Thanks mom. Actually, it's really not her fault I've taken it this far. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can drink tea without a straw. Yeah sure, fine, whoop-dee-doo. But, the enjoyment factor shoots down majorly low. With the straw, cloud nine. Cloud nine, I tell ya.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

I'm growing dimples

This is gonna be a weird post. 

I've never had any type of dimples...until now. I swear, I'm somehow growing them. I even have photographic evidence.

Exhibit A from 2004 (8 years ago!) with no dimples (pay no mind to the old hippie indications in the background):

Exhibit B from yesterday with small dimples:


I think they've been growing over time! I know this isn't possible, so the way more likely scenario is that my face is just getting fatter, thereby making it sneakily look like I have dimples. Ugh.

Friday, May 25, 2012

the Head and the Heart

it's no secret that i have a weakness for indie, folksy type music. 'the head and the heart' is no exception to this rule. one of my friends recently turned me on to them, and i couldn't be more pleased.

have a listen, won't you?

down in the valley

Thursday, May 24, 2012

This is How

I'm obsessed with Augusten Burroughs. Easily one of his biggest fans. When I find something I reeeally like (which doesn't happen all that often) - whether it's an author, a band or a person - I go all in. I love the shit out of it...really hard. 
So, when I first came across "Running With Scissors" completely randomly at Borders one day, I did what any normal person would do. I read the back and then went in search of the paperback version...because who wants to buy the hardback version for like 12 bucks more? Not meee.

I think I read it in about 2 or 3 days. I guess a lot of other people liked it too because I believe it was on the New York Times Bestselling list for 4 years straight. I literally couldn't put it down because it was so extremely weird and unreal. It's a memoir about Augusten's childhood and the absolutely crazy, haunting and harrowing experiences he's gone through. Not only is the story uniquely fascinating, but his writing style is very specific, lovely and easy to read.

After that, I bought every other one of his books as they came out. It was like Christmas day every time he had a new one getting released. He's only written one fiction novel and the rest are all memoirs about different parts/times of his life. I'm not going to say what the books are actually about because...read them! They are great! I swear, you won't be disappointed. And, if you are, then quite frankly, I'm disappointed in you.

His newest book, which just came out on May 8, is called "This is How", and it's actually a 'self help' book where he talks about the mindsets, strategies and thinking he has employed to overcome so many of the obstacles and just plain weirdness he's endured in his life. It's a lot different than his other books, but it's really good and actually very helpful, as the title implies. Overall, it basically delves into looking at many different things at face value, for exactly what they are, without sugar coating. 

Even though I'm not finished reading it yet, I can definitely the see the merit in it. Sometimes it's good to have a completely neutral/objective 3rd person view on different matters. And, it's nice that it's straight forward and isn't clouded or cluttered with a bunch of fluff.

I know this sounds like a book review or some type of promotion for this author, but I swear, I just really like him and his books! 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

these are a few of my favorite sex positions...

my my, what a captive audience.

now, the real reason for my post...these are a few of my favorite sex positions tv shows.

i'll just start by saying that i'm usually a huge fan of anything with super funny, witty, quick dialogue...or anything reallyyy weird (a.k.a. about people that like to eat rocks or dress up as babies and change their own diapers, etc.)...or certain train wreck type reality shows (a.k.a. i'm a huge slut bag teen, oops, now i'm preggo, i can no longer be a cheerleader, but i somehow manage to have enough money for a boob job).

on to the important stuff. i guess i'll just kinda loosely go in order of the weekdays. and, just cuz i mention a show here, please don't think i necessarily watch that show every single week. i'm not a tv whore. sure, certain shows i don't miss, but i also read and go for walks and volunteer at the homeless shelter (ok, maybe one of those is a small fib)!

1) house. after 8 seasons, they just had the dramatic 2 hour series finale. i haven't watched it yet, so don't spoil it for me! i only watched this show maybe 3 seasons out of the 8 that it was on. i got kind of tired of the very formulaic structure...someone has an unexpected accident or sickness, no one can figure out what's wrong with them, house dicks around for three quarters of the show and acts like a huge asshole, his doctor team manages to fumble around and get the diagnose wrong repeatedly while the patient gets worse and worse and at some point coughs up blood, and then, in an epiphany, house manages to figure out that the patient has some disease only .000001 percent of the population has ever had. but, i did like the show though, ha. not only was hugh laurie superb at covering up his british accident but chase was also pretty hot.

2) new girl. hands down my favorite show on tv right now. the first couple episodes started off a little shaky, but it's really grown into itself quite nicely. so freaking quirky and hysterical. love love love jake johnson and zooey, but the whole cast is great. a+

3) cougar town. i didn't think i'd like it, but i do. i really do. really funny. really fast paced dialogue. you really have to keep up, but the writing is just great. really.

4) the middle. love the dad from 'scrubs' and the mom from 'everybody loves raymond'. the kids are all such dorks in their own ways, and they're all such great actors. another really funny, quirky show.

5) modern family. this is almost my favorite over 'new girl'. the writing is awesome. i swear, these writers are so talented. and, every single character/actor on the show is so funny in their own right. there hasn't been a single episode yet that has disappointed.

6) parks and rec. love it. nuff said.

7) the office. this show probably should have ended a while ago because it was so great in its prime, but it still has its good moments. still a funny one to watch. what's up with james spader though? such an odd role.

8) mad men. sure, literally everyone on the show is a raging whore and/or an uncouth liar, and it's a bit somber most of the time, but there's nothing i love more than seeing a bunch of alcoholics copywriters/designers take their liquor 'neat' every single day of the week at work. plus, apparently don draper doesn't need to come up with any stellar creative executions, well, ever. he just strolls around the office, drinking, smoking, often fornicating, and yep, that's pretty much it. not a bad gig. this show is a nice change of pace from all the other comedies since it's a drama.

9) sister wives. maybe this seems like an unusual pick...especially since i'm not religious, let alone a crazy polygamist mormon. and, who wants to hear 4 moms yap on and on about their 18 children? but, first off, if you're a polygamist mormon, i want to watch that shit. second of all, if you willingly have 18 children and still want more, i want to watch that shit. i love watching shows about crazy people...especially when they think they're on some holy path to who the hell knows what. and yeah yeah, i know that watching their show is like feeding into all the madness and whatevs, but i don't give a crap. it's like a bad car accident...i gotta see it. plus, i'm hoping to like, see an elbow or something. please! all those damn long sleeved shirts. who knew god (or joseph smith or some other made up prophet) wanted us to wear long sleeved shirts all the time? i had no clue! here i am walking around like an asshole in tank tops. i mean, can you even imagine my gull!?

10) the pauly d show. i highly recommend not watching this show.........while sober. or ever.

11) wilfred. it will be back on june 28. so stoked. weirdest show ever. like i said, i love me some weird. gotta watch. little baby faced elijah wood and a man in a dog suit that loves to smoke pot? yep, sounds magical to me.

11) tosh.0. you know, my future husband. love him. the show's pretty a-ok too.

12) 16 and pregnant. or teen mom. basically, the same show...just different levels of how good of an option suicide is looking. another show that's like a bad car accident. i mean, the girls are just so dumb. i know you're only 16, but really, you were that excited to have sex with toothless bobby or fat albert that you couldn't possibly stop to think about birth control for 2 seconds? i'm always rooting that by the end, these crazy kids will make it. but, ya know what? they never do. they're all sorts of across the map with their antics. they always have to have their inevitable little check up with dr. drew. and, he always pretends to help them by looking really concerned and talking in a low, calm, submissive voice like caesar millan...and he seems so pleased with their progress (a.k.a. they're now out of jail and have regained custody of their child) even though they usually manage to continue to fuck up pretty royally. not the best 'doctor' i've ever seen.

ok, that's enough garbage for one night. and, i just realized i have two #11s. woooooo.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Best Friend Pip

Thank the sweet lord for Danielle...or, "Best Friend Pip", as I have her labeled in my phone. If you think that's weird, you should hear what she used to call me..."Pussy Willow"...which quickly got shortened to "Pussy". Who the hell knows why. All I know is, it was pretty freaking inappropriate when she'd forget to not call me "Pussy" in public. Sometimes, during late night Target runs to buy Bisquick (because we already had the Reese's Pieces, so obviously, we needed the pancake mix for a match made in heaven), when we may or may not have been 'influenced' in one way, shape, or form, she'd yell that special name down the aisle, and we'd get some interesting looks. It didn't help that we were also both furiously reading every Bisquick label we could find in order to choose the healthiest, most 'whole grain' option, even though that point quickly becomes moot when you're adding sugary sweets to the batter.

Well, we're long past our 'right after college graduation/roommate days', and we're states and states apart now, but the friendship remains super strong. We're both the type of people to have a few very close friendships, so we've always kept up with each other and continued trying. And, I shouldn't even use the word 'trying' because it's not really trying if it's something effortless and something that you want/enjoy, but you know what I mean.

Since we've been friends since the age of 16, we've been through a lot together. Psychology class experiments in high school, interesting phases during college (no, I don't mean making out with girls), relationships, and now.

We're pretty much complete opposites too. She loves running, math, cold weather, and can remember the exact date that almost every single thing happened (she can probably even tell you what she was wearing and what I was wearing and if I had my fucking period or not...seriously, her memory is that photographic, it's frightening). I, on the other hand, hate running, hate math, love warm weather, and am horrible at remembering dates of stuff...I'm good at remembering moments but not the damn dates and crap like that.

Anyway, she's always the person I go to to talk about anything. Everything and anything. Filter-free. Stupid stuff like who got fat on Facebook, "how is this person flipping engaged when I don't even have a boyfriend?", "do you think their baby is cute or alien-ish?", etc. But, serious stuff too. That's what everyone wants, right? The ability to talk about absolutely anything, stupid or not, and truly not get judged.

Lately, she's been a lifesaver with...well, listening to me complain about a multitude of things. She has the advice I need at the time I need it most. Granted, a lot of the time it's cutting and harsh, haha, but it's good for me, all the same. And, it's all very greatly appreciated because I know she has my best interest in mind.

Don't get me wrong though. It goes both ways. I have to hear some straaange stories. Like, about how she helped this retarded kid on the subway one day (I mean, she kind of had to, he was sitting on her lap, after all). She helped him get off the subway and pointed him in the right direction of where he was going, etc. Well, she told me she was scared. I thought, "awww, that's sweet" and figured she was scared that this poor kid didn't make his way to wherever he was supposed to be going. But nooo...she was scared she was somehow going to get freaking arrested for not helping him well enough. Yeah, that's the kind of shit the cops get excited about. Don't ask. I still don't understand.

The thing is, and this is going to sound strange, that's the best part about her. Truly. I hope and I'm confident that one day some guy will appreciate that kind of shit the way I do. Because, if you don't appreciate it and you don't get it, well then, you're missing out on everything.

So, anyway, thanks for all that Pip. I completely and utterly appreciate it all very much.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


'Mippi' is what I accidentally call the dogs (Missy/Pippi), all the time, when I'm trying to call both of them at the same time and am not being very successful at it.

Have you noticed my blog posts are becoming sufficiently less thoughtful? Just random posts of videos and photos. Well, that theme is going to continue today.

Like any supportive dog owner, I feel dogs need a good photoshoot every once in a while to make them feel important, loved and confident. So, today, while Mippi was basking in the morning sunshine, I snapped some shots. These were actually taken with a good quality 35mm Canon, so the dogs look pretty cute. Don't get me wrong though, they are pretty cute in real life too.

Without further ado, Mippi...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

That Florida Sky

This is what the sky looks like almost. every. single. evening. I haven't gotten quite used to it yet. It's amazinggg.

FYI, these were all taken with an iPhone...not too shabby!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Sorry Sap

lately, i've been a big sap (i'm not using capital letters today because i don't feel like it). i guess i always have been in some ways, but it's getting worse over time. i think it's hereditary. my nana used to be the worst about it. she couldn't even look at happy photos or the inside of seemingly ordinary greeting cards without getting all teary eyed, waving her hands about, and exclaiming "i can't!" it grew to be expected and was kind of a running joke in our family. now it's been passed down to my mom and yes, even me. the funny thing is, my brother always gets the most sentimental cards for my mom and writes her the nicest messages...as if he's on his death bed...as if he's trying to get her to cry. at least i'm sensitive enough to write "love ya bitch!" in her cards.

when i'm looking at nice cards in the store (ya know, just my usual thursday night routine), i can get teary-eyed pretty easily...even if the card is super gay (sorry if you're gay and reading this and this isn't the proper use of the word...get over it). if it's too long and all script-y, forget it. or, if it's too jesus-y, forget it. but, by golly, if it's just the right length and has a sweet, pure message, i'm done. time to head over to the tissue aisle.

same thing with movies, obviously. animals dying in movies is the worst. humans dying? that depends. depends how much character development has occurred and how far along the plot is. or how hot the actor is. 

and that fucking sarah mclaughlin commercial with that horrid song "arms of the angel" or some shit, NOT OKAY! do they really need to show that dog with only one eye and even that god forsaken one eye is bulbous and doesn't look healthy in the least. the dog's one eye is bad. please. i can't watch. i change the channel immediately. i've seen the whole thing, and that's something i'd rather not witness ever again. i know what the message is, it's quite clear...it's just so freaking sad. i would literally kill everyone that ever treated a dog badly. ok, maybe not "literally" because i don't want to spend the rest of my life in prison getting raped, but i'd at least injure them severely. an eye for an eye. get it? not the best joke at this time :(

one time at a wedding, there was a slideshow of the bride and groom throughout the years. all these happy, wonderful, glowy pictures. HOLY FUCK! are you serious?? why are you doing this to me?! slideshows kill me. photos kill me. let's mix the two together and really eff you up! i was sobbing by the end. my dad literally had to take me outside and have a talk with me. probably not his proudest moment. or mine, for that matter. someone was like "why are you crying"? (i.e. what the hell is your problem? why are you inappropriately crying on the happiest day of someone's life?) i was like, "i don't know, i guess i'm really happy?" my poor dad.

i think i've proven my point.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Photographically, here is what happened in April...

The little youngin' smiled for the camera

I was pretty ecstatic about my neglectful sunblock behaviors

We ate dinner outside on a golf course!

I saw one of many sunsets :-)

Ben and Pippers bonded in unusual ways (?)

Pips performed her usual morning routine

Ben had a 5 minute mustache

My mom tried on high heels

We forgot, yet again, what "2 for 1" means...oops!

We all took a shot!

We went to Daytona

I ate some delicious food

Pippi turned into a scary little rat

 I rekindled my relationship with kool-aid!

The End. Happy May!