Thursday, January 31, 2013

I'm not drinking tonight

Blog: Welcome back Emily. I hope you enjoyed your one and a half month hiatus. I also hope you enjoyed your birthday, Christmas, and New Year's. Happy 2013!

Me: Thanks blog! You're so kind. Now, let me write about something inspiring and thought-provoking.

I'm not drinking tonight. That detail might be hard to gauge on your own judging from the conversation above, but I'm not. This is not a common thing for me...mostly because I have alcoholic tendencies enjoy the relaxing routine of having a drink or two at some point after work.

My drinking routines are quite specific, and if I don't stick to them on an almost daily basis, by God, I lose my shit. Tea in the morning, coffee at work, water during the day, a beer while "cooking" dinner, a glass of wine while watching TV or reading. Could I wake up and have a beer with breakfast, wine at work, and coffee or tea later on? Pffft, sure, that might actually be preferable on some days, but mostly no. Mostly, I enjoy the routine.

It's not like I'm this caffeine and alcohol crazed junkie/honey badger that needs her fix, otherwise I'm all crazy and wild-eyed. No. It's just that I truly enjoy these beverages, and I truly enjoy the routine of having them in the order specified above. It's not at all like truly enjoying crack or enjoying the routine of smoking crack nightly on the porch. It's not. For example, if I don't have these beverages on hand, it's not like I'd go suck a dick just to be able to get a sip of some tea. See? Not like crack. Yes, my palms might get a little sweaty when I realize fuck, this is the last tea bag, I better fucking remember to buy some tea bags before tomorrow morning. But, mostly, I just miss (and wouldn't suck dick for) these beverages when I don't have them.

My take on juice, soda, lemonade and the like? GARBAGE. There's just no need for the stuff. I like an unsweetened iced tea now and again, and coconut water is great when you're hungover, but otherwise, noooope. Soda is silly. That's what I say.

Let's continue on with the most unimportant post in the world, shall we? One of the problems I have with alcohol is that I'm not picky about it. Actually, I guess that sounds like the opposite of a problem, depending on how you look at it. So, I guess it's an alcohol solution? I like all kinds of beer, except for IPAs. I will happily drink light beer, lager, brown ale, red ale, wheat beer, flavored beer, stout. And, when I say happily, I mean, like, I'm actually smiling. I tend to draw the line at malt beverages since I'm not really a big fan...oh, and I'm not in the 11th grade anymore. I like all kinds of wine or white, sweet or dry. I like all kinds of mixed drinks. Well, I can drink all kinds of mixed drinks, but I usually prefer vodka ones. I will even drink bourbon or scotch on the rocks. That might be where I'm a little girly though...I can't do that kind of heavy duty drinking in true Don Draper style. Scotch, neat, and warm is gross to me. On the rocks, with a little extra water added, bingo. Yes, I know it ruins the drink, I'm well aware. The one thing I can't do for the life of me is shots. I sip shots like a school girl. I imagine school girls sip shots.

In case you're wondering, the reason I'm not drinking tonight is because I figure a person should be able to take a night off from drinking...even when they're not sick or not hungover. It's a hard concept to grasp, I know. I also figure one less drink that I have tonight is one more drink than I can have tomorrow. It's sound logic.

Seriously, I know I sound like an alcoholic because I think the majority of people, if and when they drink, tend to drink mainly on the weekends (I do that too). But, even though I consistently drink, I don't usually over drink. I'll drink more on the weekends than during the week, but I don't get drunk a lot. I get hungover easily and hate it. So, what's worse? Someone that doesn't drink during the week and then binge drinks on the weekends or someone that consistently drinks small amounts all week long? Yes, those are the only two options. Obviously I think the latter is better. I'm pretty sure my doctor would agree.

Now, there are many many many reasons to not get pregnant. One of the most important reasons to consider though is you can't drink for 9 months! I can't even imagine. That's almost like a whole year of not drinking. That's like 279 days of not drinking if every month had 31 days in it and your baby was born at exactly 9 months. That's like, horrible. Really, the only good thing to come from pregnancy, if we're looking for the silverest lining here, is you don't have your period for 9 months. Still not really worth the trade off though. Plus, you can just starve yourself and get the same no period result, so I'm not impressed.

Anyway, talk about a death sentence, that pregnancy business. What a BUZZ KILL (pun intended, boom!) If I found out I was pregnant, I can tell you, the first thing I'd want to do is get wasted. Not only because fuck, I'm going to have a baby, that's a bad time, get me a drink!, but also because I'm pretty sure I'd have to move in with my parents, quit my job, get huge and a bunch of other equally drastic scenarios.

And the thing is, you can't get an abortion just because you can't imagine not drinking for 9 months. Nooo, I'm sure that would be viewed as being an unfit mother. Imagine telling that to Planned Parenthood? Actually, I'm sure they hear that all the time. I need to plan my parenthood around my drinking habits, so yeahhh, I'm gonna have to go ahead and get that abortion. Can I come in on Saturday? Yeahhh, thanks. (Office Space. anyone? no?)

Not to mention, abortions in Florida are just frowned upon in general, regardless of whether or not the reasoning behind it is you're an alcoholic. I'm constantly reminded by countless billboards that my baby's heart beats at 18 days and that my baby has fingernails the very moment the sperm latches onto the egg. Either that, or it's just a scowl-faced looking Jesus with some proverb written underneath him which I'm pretty sure roughly translates to "I will damn you to hell if you get an abortion, even if it's because your uncle raped you"...or, something like that.

Ok, I guess that's enough alcohol and pregnancy talk for one night.