Monday, May 19, 2014

Real Mail

I received real mail today (which is to say I received mail 1-4 days ago, as I only check my mail once or twice a week)!

None of that circular crap (does anyone else use this word besides for me and grandmothers? The word "circular" I mean, obviously, not "crap"), bills, credit card offers, or an over abundance of offers to buy my car back. A real postcard! Oh boy!

Here it is in all its papery/ink glory:

What a little gem! This was sent to me by my lovely friend Danielle Andrews. Yes, almost all my friends are named Danielle.

I met Danielle A. while lifeguarding at Woodridge Lake in Goshen, CT (yep, same as how I met the other Danielle - who we will call Danielle C. - if you're keeping track). I was 21 and Danielle A. was 24. I was in college and she was two years out. All the other lifeguards had pretty much known each other since the age of 16 (or for even longer) when we became lifeguards. I was one of the older lifeguards and so was Danielle C.

Therefore, when this even older stranger showed up to start lifeguarding for the summer, we were like "whoa, who is this and why is she 37 and lifeguarding?" Three years is a big difference and things are a little skewed back at that age, I guess. We quickly side stepped those important 'fears' when we realized Danielle A. was living alone in her parent's "weekend" house that they barely even used on the weekends. Hello new best friend!

Doesn't really sound like the nicest beginning on my end, ha, but I can honestly say Danielle A. has become a great friend and is one of the most hilarious people I've ever met! I'm sure you can tell that by the postcard. I mean, seriously, what?! She is wonderfully unique and has the best/weirdest sense of humor, that aligns so nicely with mine.

We've done tons of fun stuff since our lifeguarding days, and the strangest things always seem to happen when we are together.


Random road-side photography on dingy, dirty chairs in abandoned barns. We were late to pick up our other friends at the train station because, you know.........priorities.

Natural, domesticated woman poses

Scenes from "The Titanic"

Visiting scary convenience stores that embody the "luxury of Brooklyn" in the middle of St. Pete

A bird sitting on Danielle's shoulder during a shopping excursion - totally normal

An actual normal photo

Not pictured: 
  • Danielle A. in downtown St. Pete walking side-by-side (I'm pretty sure hand-in-hand, too) with a homeless man to a pizza place to buy him a piece of pizza while I sit alone, abandoned, drinking beer.
  • Danielle A. and I at a museum looking at abstract art while I say "I could do that", and Danielle A. yelling at me loudly "Why don't you then Emily?!?"
  • Me telling Danielle to dress up a little bit and Danielle putting on her "nice" hiking boots.
  • Danielle coming in my parent's house yelling "Missy, where are you Missy?!? I've come for you!!!" (Missy is our deceased family dog who was scared of a lot of people, especially Danielle. Wonder why)

There are so many more I can't think of right now. Danielle, don't worry, I'll wear these earrings that I already own and think of you. Disappointing, but it will have to do ;-)

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Most Annoying Person Ever

Recently, when my friend Louise visited me for the weekend, we went out for dinner and drinks in this section of Tampa referred to as SoHo <---- that's a cool name for South Howard Ave., the street that all the bars are on in that particular area of town.

Some tell-tale signs for knowing you're in SoHo are:
1) You're surrounded by douchebags.

That's really about it.

If we're getting technical, there are maybe a few more:
2) The guys seem to have all just stepped out of a frat house. See #1.
3) You're wondering why no one is out by 8-9pm, and then you remember it's one of those areas where people (a.k.a. douchebags. See #1.) don't go out til about 11pm.
4) You can literally see girls' vaginas due to their choice in "clothing".
5) You have to pay at least $5 to park in a CVS parking lot or some other similar parking lot where parking is normally free in 99% of the United States.
6) You feel really unattractive, old, and like you graduated from college a bazillion years ago when in actuality, you are still pretty young.

So yeah, we went there for a "change". Change is not always good.

After dinner, we headed down the street to one of the bars where we hung out with the other approximately 4-5 people that were also at the bar by like 7:30pm. All in their 30s, like us, I'm assuming. They probably all had just enjoyed a nice dinner, like us, rather than pre-gaming back at their place.  #totallyuncool

We each got a drink, sat at a table, chatted, and kept our vajays concealed. As people started to fill in, a couple douchebag-ish guys came over to talk to us. The opening line had something to do with needing Ibuprofen or Tylenol for his bad sinuses. Does Ibuprofen or Tylenol even help sinuses? After I extracted some Ibuprofen from my huge, satchel bag and definitely not my super tiny, cute clutch, the guy sat down and called his friend over. Now that we had exchanged drugs, I guess we were besties. They actually weren't too horrible, so we talked to them for a while until they went up to the bar to get some more drinks.

This is when the most annoying person in the entire bar decided it was his perfect opportunity to come over and be the most annoying person in the entire bar.

Now picture for me if you will a 44 year old hick with Wrangler-ish jeans on, worn in white Reebok-ish sneakers, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Got it? Excited? Excellent.

So yeah, HE came over and said quite the assortment of things:
1) We are very attractive girls, but he wanted us to know he would NEVER have sex with us. Like, ever.
2)  He asked where our boyfriends were, and we told him they were at home (hey, my future boyfriend might have been at home somewhere, right? In Louise's case, it was actually true) and that it was a girl's night out. He told us our boyfriends must not really be in love with us because if they were, they wouldn't want us going out alone for a girl's night. He said they would be right by our side at all times. We said that sounds kind of like scary talk, and it's important for girls to have their independence. He thought this was a bunch of malarkey.
3) He told us he used to be by his wife's side at all times until she died in a car crash. We felt momentarily sad for him until he started speaking again.
4) He offered to buy us shots a few times, and we turned him down because Louise didn't want one, and I told him I was being a responsible driver. He did not think responsible driving was important I guess because on the final time I turned him down, he told me I was a "pretentious bitch".

The guys we were originally talking to glanced over after getting drinks, saw we were preoccupied with a mental patient and never came back. We then went to the bathroom and headed to a different bar to get away from the most annoying person ever.

Oh, but guess who was already there too when we went up to the bar to order a drink? YEPPPPPPP!