Monday, July 23, 2012

Sightings and Sayings of Senor Puss!

Wow, it's been a whole week since my last blog post. That is almost like 4 months in blogger land, am I right? I've really been slacking now that I've made a new friend and almost have a normal social life. I can't juggle more than, like, two friends at a time. It's a gift, really.

So, I've been trying to figure out what to write about next, and finally, a light bulb went off and I came up with something completely normal and relatable to the general population...Senor Puss sightings and sayings! Maybe it can even be an ongoing feature each week or month depending on how much fan mail I receive. Actually, I'll probably forget, so your best bet is to just enjoy this one and have absolutely no expectations for my future posts, ok?

I got the idea from this book I just finished reading. It's called "Sh*t My Dad Says", and it's by Justin Halpern (in case Justin Halpern reads my blog, I want to make sure I'm all proper about it and recognize him and shit). It was pretty freaking hilarious. I'm going to read his other book next, "I Suck At Girls." When I was going through a little phase of ordering almost every book available on, I came across these two little gems, and I had to have them...and, like 6 other books too...only all at different times so that I was sure to have multiple shipping charges.

Anyway, enough rambling...let's do this in a list type fashion since I love lists!

1) Sighting #1 (there is only one sighting so don't get confused and be all like "where's sighting #2?"...that's annoying and uncalled for...there is no sighting #2 so just shush it)

Ok, so, my dad decided he wanted a chain wallet (I don't question this stuff anymore). In case you don't remember from when these actually used to be popular, there is a chain that attaches from your wallet (which is in your pocket) and then hooks to your belt loop. That way, if you're like my dad and live in The Villages, and a 70 year old geriatric tries to steal your wallet (which is pretty much a fucking epidemic over here...ummm, no), you can be like sorry Mr. Old Man, I'm working with this sweet ass chain wallet contraption so you lose.

For girls, it's an excellent form of birth control because (normal) guys won't come within a foot of you if you have some weird ass chain dangling all down your leg and what not.

Anyway, here's a pic of it. He's pointing to the chain because it's a proud moment for him. Also, below are the texts between me and my brother about it.

2) Saying #1 
Me: Mom says she is going to grow her hair instead of cutting it short because she says long hair is the only hairstyle that will work for her.
Dad: Noooo, I want her to cut it short and spiky. It will look cute.
Me: Cute? Noooo, your wife will look like a lesbian. Do you really want that? She'll look all dikey and shit.
Dad: I like lesbians.
Me: Yeah, good point, you are a pretty big fan of lesbians.
It's true, the man does love a good lesbian.

3) Saying #2
Dad: I'm really doing well with my vegan lifestyle. I've been eating healthier, losing weight, and exercising/working out more.
Me: Yeah, that's great.
Dad: I want to break 160.
Me: Breaking 160 puts you into major girl weight territory. That's just scary.
Dad: Well, I'm not trying to lose weight. I'd just like to break 160.
Me: Ummm...

4) Saying #3

Overheard while my Dad is talking on the phone to my grandmother...
Dad: Yeah, Emily's doing well. She'd like to have more friends and a boyfriend, but she's doing well.
Me (after he is off the phone): Dad, I have a couple friends and I went on a date recently. I don't want a lot more friends. I can't handle a lot of friends. Can you call Grammie back and mention those caveats?
Dad: Oh yeah, sure, I'll just call Grammie back.
Proceeds to pretend to call her back and say "Hey Mom, remember what I was saying before about Emily? Well, it was all a lie..."

Monday, July 16, 2012

A moment of silence please

Pip's emo photo shoot with her dead lizard friend...

That is all. 

There really isn't too much to say when your dog brings a deceased lizard inside, ever so gingerly places it in her bed and then proceeds to stare at it with a forlorn look.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

F*ck the running part; why did I have scissors in the first place?

You've probably all done this before when you were little too..."this" being fancying yourself a miniature hairdresser and cutting your own hair...a lot of it. Just going right to town with the scissors.

I know I have, and it wasn't pretty. I can actually remember doing it pretty well.

My parents were outside doing some yard work, and I was out there helping them. "Helping" them meant I most likely wasn't doing much of anything and instead was pondering what type of hairstyle I'd like to give myself that would work well with my facial structure. After careful deliberation and an exciting new look in mind (hacked, uneven bangs), I slipped inside unnoticed.

I padded into my room and found my lefty scissors...ya know, the ones that actually say "lefty" on them, are rusty, and have red handles. The perfect haircutting tool. And, I remember just casually sitting there over my garbage cutting away as I watched wads of hair drop into the wastebasket. Yep, things were shaping up nicely and everything was going according to plan!

Once done (I'm not really sure how I determined when I was "done"), outside I went. My parents both looked up and their facial expressions quickly changed as they noticed my new doo. But, just in case they hadn't, I said breezily, "notice anything different about me?"

Let's just say it wasn't the best (or the worst) haircut of my life.

I don't have any pics of it, but I did find a perfect photo on Google that looks fairly accurate (if this is your daughter, sorry for infringing on your rights) scissor handles and all! However, I'm pretty sure I looked less cry baby face-ish and way more smiley/ecstatic.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Friday the 13th!

Be careful today special people…it's Friday the 13th! 

During the last Friday the 13th, I was still "working" (very little working actually occurred, and at my hourly rate, it was more akin to volunteering) at H&R Block, and I thought I had made it through the day relatively unscathed. However, around the time same time I was thinking that, some genius decided to almost drive her car through the front windows of the store. Probably because she was so fired up to get her taxes done at such a fine establishment. Apparently, her side of the story was her sandal "fell off" completely randomly, and during this little shoe fiasco, she forgot which pedal was accelerate and which was stop. Therefore, the next thing she knew, she was up on the curb, fully rammed into a supportive structural pillar. She got a couple flat tires too. Oh, and, I'm pretty sure she didn't get any type of tax refund either. Poor betch.

Gee, I hope today goes smoother than that. 

Here is a tune to get your weekend started off right!

Thursday, July 12, 2012


Since America is all about consumerism and buying things you don't need, here's a bunch of crap I want. Apparently I don't like anything the least bit colorful...

Saturday, July 7, 2012

I was in a gang

This is a page from Ben's yearbook during his senior year of high school. It's one of the pages in the back that parents can purchase...either a full page, half page, whatever...and, most of the time, it's a little dedication to their child to tell them how wonderful they are in every possible way since it's just soooo darn hard to graduate high school. And, if your parents don't purchase a page for you or choose to advertise their business instead, those kids aren't really loved or their parents are just poor. It's definitely one of those two.

So, my parents bought a page for Ben... 

I know a few of my posts have been about nicknames, but I totally forgot all about our 'gang days'. I think it started with Ben and a couple of his friends...they all had fake gang names for each other. And, then our whole family got incorporated into it somehow.

My dad was Big Ned because he was the feared gang leader, and everyone else was Lil' something or other because they were low on the esteemed gang totem pole. My mom was Lil' least that's what the yearbook says because they wouldn't publish curse words...her real name was Lil' :expletive: Jess (it's so highly racist inappropriate that I can't even mention it in my blog). My name was Lil' Peep, and Ben's name was Lil' Billy. Pretty threatening gang names.

And, we used to say "Yo yeh yeh!" a lot. Not sure where that came from, but I imagine it's a phrase many gang members use.

Sadly, the novelty and authenticity of being in a gang wears off pretty quickly once you realize you live in the rolling hills and one of the most rural parts of CT. You stroll into school (which, mind you, is regional with 3 towns and 6th-12th grade all present, because then it's almost enough kids for a real high school) feeling pretty damn sweet and gangster-ish, and then you see the tractors in the parking lot and the llamas in the backyard, and it's like oooooh yeahhhhh.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I made a delicious grilled cheese sandwich!

What's the good word my faithful 1-2 followers? 

I've been a little MIA lately because my family moved houses this weekend. Moving always sucks huge donkey balls...unless you're homeless, because then, as the word implies, you most likely don't have a home, and you probably don't have a vast assortment of belongings. You'd think it wouldn't be so bad for us because we moved from one furnished house to another furnished house, and therefore, we had very little furniture to move...just a bunch of clothes and random things. However, it still seemed pretty intense (and we needed a UHaul and what not)...especially in the throes of a Florida summer. All you really need to do is pick up one empty box, and instantly you have a pretty serious sweat moustache forming. So, we kinda packed on Friday, packed more and moved on Saturday, and unpacked all day on Sunday. Then, it was back to work on Monday. No rest for the weary when these Villagers need their online coupons!

That aside, the week before moving, I made pretty much the best grilled cheese sandwich on planet Earth...maybe even in the whole Milky Way galaxy. If you're a picky eater or enjoy monjing strictly on junk food, this will probably sound gross to you. But, if you have any sense or good taste, you would have found it delightful. Here is what was on it:

~ Two pieces of whole wheat bread
~ Pesto on both sides
~ 2 pieces of organic, low fat swiss cheese
~ Spinach
~ Tomato
~ Roasted red peppers
~ Avocado
~ Sprouts
~ Goat cheese

Fry that puppy up with a little olive oil spray or butter, and bam, flavor explosion/mouth orgasm.

An added benefit? It's vegetarian!