Saturday, March 16, 2013

Where am I and how do I get home?

I might be the worst person at directions in. the. world.

No one has ever said Emily has a real knack for directions, we can count on her. That thought has literally crossed no one's mind on the whole planet.

Contrarily, it's more like, How long have you lived here? Aren't we about 5 minutes away from your place? And, my response is usually something like hell if I know, let's see what my phone says. And, let's see what my other directional phone apps says. And, then let's also plug in Magellan. And, let's also check what my handwritten directions say that I so painstakingly wrote out because I don't have a printer and need as many directions as possible around me at all times. If all else fails, let me call my mommy.

It's even worse at night when my vision is a little compromised.

When someone tells me to look at a map, they might as well have asked me to knit them a sweater in 5 minutes flat or write them a haiku about worldly events. My brain can't even process such an impossible task.

When people talk about locations being North, South, East or West in relation to other places, I have no idea what is going on, and they may as well be speaking in Mandarin Chinese. I just nod and say things like yes, I'm pretty sure that's East of there. Meanwhile, I have no idea which way East is in relation to where I am, and I certainly don't know if such and such is East of such and such. A whole conversation could take place, and I'm just looking up at the sky trying to figure out where the sun rises and sets.

You might think I'm exaggerating, but sadly, I'm really not. Ask anyone that knows me. It's embarrassing.

Then, add in one way streets, downtown areas, or pretty much anything except for an expanse of rolling hills with one scenic road, and my directional skills plummet even farther.

The only way I know how to get around certain places WELL is if I've done it a million times before.

Sometimes I'll randomly end up on one of those long bridges that says something like "Check gas tank. Long bridge ahead," and my thought is not Gee willickers, where did I go wrong? It's more like How the shit did this happen again?, and when I get over this bridge, I'm going to murder someone.

I'm scared for anyone new in my car that doesn't know me that well because it doesn't portray me in the most positive light, and I'm also nervous I might kill them accidentally.

I'm impressed if anyone has the slightest clue of where they're going without the use of an app or a map or some sort of device. I really am. I assume they're really smart. Like, my mom and brother are geniuses. The two of them will talk about shortcuts and how getting somewhere takes them only 12 min. (there's only 10 min. or 15 min. increments in my mind) and yada yada yada. And, they enjoy that shit. It really gets them going.

Meanwhile, I'm like well, I already know how to get there with my 30 min. way, so I'm just going to keep doing that. And, my dad and I are like that's great and all, but we're going to go over here now and talk about last week's episode of New Girl.

Let's take today for example. I was actually excited that I made it to my massage appointment on time using only one directional phone app. And, I've already been there before. This was my second time. And, the massage place is located in the town in which I currently reside. Also, as I'm cruising down the highway knowing full well that I need to get off exit 23B because I've obsessively checked the directions on my phone multiple times, you'd think I'd be over in the right lane in preparation, right? Wrong! I'm in the left lane thinking gee, I should really get over soon, see the exit, and barrel over two lanes to the right. Much better and safer way to do things. But, this is how I do things on the reg.

If I haven't gotten lost, had to pull over to refresh the directions because I've missed a turn, pissed someone off, arrived late, or almost got into an accident, it's a directional success story for me.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

A Crappy Dream

Since this blog is the host of many embarrassing, unusual, crass, etc. ramblings, I figured why not divulge the details of my crappy, shitty dream.

No, was a dream about poop.

In my dream, I was driving down the road in an orange Fiat (Good job dream mind! Even in la la land, I still have an affinity for the color orange and small, gas efficient vehicles), and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom...number 2, in case you couldn't guess. Conveniently, at the time, I was pretty sure I was driving past my friend's grandparent's house...the perfect place to veer off and take a crap, evidently. I was like good, I sort of know these people, I can poop here. Sounds reasonable. So, I pull into their driveway and go inside. Just let myself right in without knocking. Also reasonable. Then, following good house guest etiquette, I decide to duck into the bathroom without saying 'hi' first.

Seems normal so far, right? It's about to get a lot worse.

Well, I'm in the bathroom, and then my mind goes blank about how to proceed. I'm just standing there perplexed. Like, I see the toilet but I'm confused about how to use it and pondering what to do? what to do? Keep in mind, this is a dream. In real life, I'd be so fully capable of knowing what to do next. The next thing I remember, my friend's grandparent's are banging on the door asking who is in their bathroom in their old, crotchety voices. We didn't expect guests, who's in there? 

Startled that they would want to have some knowledge about the stranger pooping in their bathroom, I look down and realize I'm going number 2 in the top part of the toilet...ya know, like, where all the toilet inner workings are located. So, I guess my confusion was never alleviated.

Then, in an epiphany, I guess I remembered how to poop appropriately because I think this is really bad. I also think what am I going to do?

So, these random grandparents are getting pretty upset. And, I'm saying things like Don't worry, I'll be right out, tee hee, it's Emily, so and so's friend, this wallpaper in your bathroom is really soothing. Then, my dream brain kicks into high gear and tells me to scoop out the poop from the top part of the toilet, and put it into the correct part of the toilet. Since this logically seems like the next best move and since my brain didn't want me to wake up yet (that would have been nice and way too easy), that's precisely what I start to do. I roll toilet paper all around my hands and get to work. I'll spare you the details since I'm sure you can imagine how delightful this must have been.

The whole time I'm thinking this pooping business is tough stuff. Really not that complicated though when you don't break into someone's house and then shit in the wrong spot. I think that's the moral of this story. I woke up before I saw the grandparents. It was probably best that way though because I'm not sure what sort of story I would have unfolded for them.

I was a little concerned this dream meant I was either becoming mentally handicapped or had shit the bed, but luckily, neither was true...yet. I felt assured when my friend told me I had nothing to worry about.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Yeahhhhhh Maaaaaaaan...

Well, Cosmo left me. All the people that are supposed to be stable, consistent figures in my life leave me. Nah, I'm messing with you! That'd be a heavy post, eh? It is true that Cosmo left me though. :-( 

He went from CT to Myrtle Beach (I'm not even going to say "SC" because then it seems decent and open to interpretation, like ooooh, there are so many good parts of SC, which part did he choose? Eh, nope, he chose M.y.r.t.l.e.) to Tampa back to CT. 

Does he have family in CT you ask? No. Does he particularly like the cold? No. Did he at least kind of like Tampa? Yes. Does he have boatloads of friends in CT? Eh, not really, but some. Did he somewhat inexplicably feel like CT was home and get a good job opportunity there? I suppooooooose. And so, I digress, with a little head scratching. 

Anywayyy, I met Cosmo back in CT when we were both working at an advertising agency of our first "real" jobs after college graduation. He was a copywriter, so naturally I assumed he was cool because I enjoy writing and I'm, ya know, that was the main reason.

Him, me, and this other girl named Laura who I also worked closely with were having a slow day at work one time. Naturally, Laura and I decided it would be a fun game to see if we could name the 50 states. Yeah, instead of enjoying our downtime by just relaxing or taking a trip to Starbucks, we were like let's do some United States trivia! I was kind of like oh no because this is exactly the kind of stuff I suck at and people often wonder how I've made it this far in life. But, anyway, it seemed like a fun-ish game, and I was pretty confident Seattle was indeed a state, so it was full speed ahead! We decided to invite the "writer" (not sure why I put that in quotes, haha, he was actually a real copywriter) to play. Don't worry, we knew his name was Cosmo. 

He was the only Cosmo either of us had met in real life.

I'm pretty sure we set a time limit, and then we reviewed our answers at the end. I think Cosmo won, Laura came in second, and shockingly, I lost. My Seattle plan kind of backfired. Washington and Seattle, separately, did not count as two points. I know! Rule sticklers.

The rest is history. Tale as old as time. ........and whatever else they say that allows me to wrap up this post nicely even though those sayings don't really apply, and this is not even close to a common tale. Plus, there's more to the story, so perhaps it was the wrong time to say that.

After a few years at the advertising agency, Cosmo moved to Myrtle because he wanted to be near a beach, and...oh wait, nope, that was the only reason and as far as the thought process went. You really have to admire guys sometimes, eh? He lasted there for a few months before moving on to Tampa. Ironically, I then moved to Florida shortly after! 

Is this the worst story ever or what?

Nowwww the rest, as they say, is history. We were friends in CT and then we were friends in Tampa. It was fun the whole time! 

It's one of the easiest friendships I've ever had. Ya know how father/daughter relationships just have that something special about them? Well, I think it's along the same vein with guy/girl relationships when it's a true friendship. There are no expectations and it's just simple (Oh, you don't want to go out tonight? Ok, have fun bangin' Susie.). No conversations are really off limit, there is no weirdness, and it's just easy.

Thanks for all the good times maaaaaaan! I hope all your wildest dreams come true in CT (if wildest dreams ever happen there, that is). ;-)


2007 (That's Laura, the 50 states girl!)






2012 - Barf, wtf happened to both of us?