Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Most Annoying Person Ever

Recently, when my friend Louise visited me for the weekend, we went out for dinner and drinks in this section of Tampa referred to as SoHo <---- that's a cool name for South Howard Ave., the street that all the bars are on in that particular area of town.

Some tell-tale signs for knowing you're in SoHo are:
1) You're surrounded by douchebags.

That's really about it.

If we're getting technical, there are maybe a few more:
2) The guys seem to have all just stepped out of a frat house. See #1.
3) You're wondering why no one is out by 8-9pm, and then you remember it's one of those areas where people (a.k.a. douchebags. See #1.) don't go out til about 11pm.
4) You can literally see girls' vaginas due to their choice in "clothing".
5) You have to pay at least $5 to park in a CVS parking lot or some other similar parking lot where parking is normally free in 99% of the United States.
6) You feel really unattractive, old, and like you graduated from college a bazillion years ago when in actuality, you are still pretty young.

So yeah, we went there for a "change". Change is not always good.

After dinner, we headed down the street to one of the bars where we hung out with the other approximately 4-5 people that were also at the bar by like 7:30pm. All in their 30s, like us, I'm assuming. They probably all had just enjoyed a nice dinner, like us, rather than pre-gaming back at their place.  #totallyuncool

We each got a drink, sat at a table, chatted, and kept our vajays concealed. As people started to fill in, a couple douchebag-ish guys came over to talk to us. The opening line had something to do with needing Ibuprofen or Tylenol for his bad sinuses. Does Ibuprofen or Tylenol even help sinuses? After I extracted some Ibuprofen from my huge, satchel bag and definitely not my super tiny, cute clutch, the guy sat down and called his friend over. Now that we had exchanged drugs, I guess we were besties. They actually weren't too horrible, so we talked to them for a while until they went up to the bar to get some more drinks.

This is when the most annoying person in the entire bar decided it was his perfect opportunity to come over and be the most annoying person in the entire bar.

Now picture for me if you will a 44 year old hick with Wrangler-ish jeans on, worn in white Reebok-ish sneakers, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Got it? Excited? Excellent.

So yeah, HE came over and said quite the assortment of things:
1) We are very attractive girls, but he wanted us to know he would NEVER have sex with us. Like, ever.
2)  He asked where our boyfriends were, and we told him they were at home (hey, my future boyfriend might have been at home somewhere, right? In Louise's case, it was actually true) and that it was a girl's night out. He told us our boyfriends must not really be in love with us because if they were, they wouldn't want us going out alone for a girl's night. He said they would be right by our side at all times. We said that sounds kind of like scary talk, and it's important for girls to have their independence. He thought this was a bunch of malarkey.
3) He told us he used to be by his wife's side at all times until she died in a car crash. We felt momentarily sad for him until he started speaking again.
4) He offered to buy us shots a few times, and we turned him down because Louise didn't want one, and I told him I was being a responsible driver. He did not think responsible driving was important I guess because on the final time I turned him down, he told me I was a "pretentious bitch".

The guys we were originally talking to glanced over after getting drinks, saw we were preoccupied with a mental patient and never came back. We then went to the bathroom and headed to a different bar to get away from the most annoying person ever.

Oh, but guess who was already there too when we went up to the bar to order a drink? YEPPPPPPP!

No comments:

Post a Comment