Where am I and how do I get home?

I might be the worst person at directions in. the. world.

No one has ever said Emily has a real knack for directions, we can count on her. That thought has literally crossed no one's mind on the whole planet.

Contrarily, it's more like, How long have you lived here? Aren't we about 5 minutes away from your place? And, my response is usually something like hell if I know, let's see what my phone says. And, let's see what my other directional phone apps says. And, then let's also plug in Magellan. And, let's also check what my handwritten directions say that I so painstakingly wrote out because I don't have a printer and need as many directions as possible around me at all times. If all else fails, let me call my mommy.

It's even worse at night when my vision is a little compromised.

When someone tells me to look at a map, they might as well have asked me to knit them a sweater in 5 minutes flat or write them a haiku about worldly events. My brain can't even process such an impossible task.

When people talk about locations being North, South, East or West in relation to other places, I have no idea what is going on, and they may as well be speaking in Mandarin Chinese. I just nod and say things like yes, I'm pretty sure that's East of there. Meanwhile, I have no idea which way East is in relation to where I am, and I certainly don't know if such and such is East of such and such. A whole conversation could take place, and I'm just looking up at the sky trying to figure out where the sun rises and sets.

You might think I'm exaggerating, but sadly, I'm really not. Ask anyone that knows me. It's embarrassing.

Then, add in one way streets, downtown areas, or pretty much anything except for an expanse of rolling hills with one scenic road, and my directional skills plummet even farther.

The only way I know how to get around certain places WELL is if I've done it a million times before.

Sometimes I'll randomly end up on one of those long bridges that says something like "Check gas tank. Long bridge ahead," and my thought is not Gee willickers, where did I go wrong? It's more like How the shit did this happen again?, and when I get over this bridge, I'm going to murder someone.

I'm scared for anyone new in my car that doesn't know me that well because it doesn't portray me in the most positive light, and I'm also nervous I might kill them accidentally.

I'm impressed if anyone has the slightest clue of where they're going without the use of an app or a map or some sort of device. I really am. I assume they're really smart. Like, my mom and brother are geniuses. The two of them will talk about shortcuts and how getting somewhere takes them only 12 min. (there's only 10 min. or 15 min. increments in my mind) and yada yada yada. And, they enjoy that shit. It really gets them going.

Meanwhile, I'm like well, I already know how to get there with my 30 min. way, so I'm just going to keep doing that. And, my dad and I are like that's great and all, but we're going to go over here now and talk about last week's episode of New Girl.

Let's take today for example. I was actually excited that I made it to my massage appointment on time using only one directional phone app. And, I've already been there before. This was my second time. And, the massage place is located in the town in which I currently reside. Also, as I'm cruising down the highway knowing full well that I need to get off exit 23B because I've obsessively checked the directions on my phone multiple times, you'd think I'd be over in the right lane in preparation, right? Wrong! I'm in the left lane thinking gee, I should really get over soon, see the exit, and barrel over two lanes to the right. Much better and safer way to do things. But, this is how I do things on the reg.

If I haven't gotten lost, had to pull over to refresh the directions because I've missed a turn, pissed someone off, arrived late, or almost got into an accident, it's a directional success story for me.