Monday, September 10, 2012

One Year

I've been feeling a bit sentimental lately. I think it stems from my CT trip and seeing old friends, doing familiar things, feeling nostalgic, walking in the woods (gay, I know) and all that. I'm not even supposed to be getting my period right now, so it's not that, ha. I think I need to get out of The Villages before I turn all faggot-y. I have to live around people my own age and have promiscuous sex and stuff that young people do...yeah!

But, anyway...

Almost exactly a year ago was when big decisions were made and I moved to Florida. It's not easy to look around at the life you've so painstakingly built, the person you've built that life with and shared everything with, all your possessions...and decide you need to vacate.

But, I guess sometimes that happens and such is life. During those rare moments of absolute clarity, I think deep down, on a subconscious level and perhaps even a molecular one, we are all aware of what we need the most. As humans, when we are in tune with ourselves, we can know...and we can make the most educated decisions because we have known ourselves, inside and out, our whole lives. And amidst the chaos and the tough decisions to be made, it's nice to at least have that one constant...you.

It's so easy to go about your daily life as just that...your daily life. The little routines, the monotony. You can do that for weeks, months, even years. And, don't get me wrong, it can be great and full and peppered with many wonderful things. But, it's easy to get wrapped up in all of it and have blinders on and not look around and not think any new thoughts or see anything new or really do anything different. Until one day, for one reason for another, it hits you that you have to make a change. And perhaps it's not so much a unique revelation as an unraveling over time, of sorts.

Time does heal all things. Or maybe not "heals", per se, as the layers of emotion can thicken and then even out and you can go about your business almost as you had done before...but, the scar will always be there, even though it may be small. A little mark the world has imparted on you.

And, I'm happy to be where I am today. Even though you don't know what's going to happen, life is a journey along the way. I'm happy to have change, be living in a new place, keeping in touch with my good friends, be around family, meeting new people, dating. And, I'm happy I didn't "settle down" too soon or have kids or have mortgage payments. Everyone is different, but I think I've made the right decisions for myself. And really, that's all you can ask for.

Life is short, but it's also the longest thing in the human experience, and so I don't think there's any need to rush anything or overanalyze or overplan. You can't forget about living along the way. I think the best way to be unhappy or full of hope that won't be fulfilled is to have unrealistic expectations. You have to live in the present with pure body and mind and try to enjoy every moment.

So, that's what I'm trying to do. Tomorrow, who knows.

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