Monday, August 13, 2012

OCD

I forgot to mention in my The Villages post that this place has a really high STD rate. I'm not sure how that tidbit slipped my mind because it seems like pretty important information...a retirement community with a very sexually active demographic. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Also, I've heard (mostly from my brother, who may or may not be an authority on such topics) that if you're wearing gold sandals or have your tag sticking out of your shirt, then you're DTF. That's how the classy men can pick the classy broads out of a crowd, evidently. I imagine it's a lot like the way a male baboon picks out the female baboon with the reddest butt. If you don't know what DTF means, watch an episode of "Jersey Shore" (I can't believe I'm recommending that). Or just google it because apparently it runs rampant in organic search results.

BTW, my one lone pair of gold sandals have yet to be on my feet since moving to this area. Such a shame considering how stellar they could look with some gold accessories!

That little epilogue aside, I hope we all have some closure and can move on now...

My mom was telling someone recently that I have OCD. Moms are always saying the nicest things about their kids. I don't reeeeally have OCD. It's just that I prefer everything to be neat and tidy and clean and non-shedding...aaaaand, deliberately placed at perfect 90 degree angles. I mean, who doesn't like that shit? Riddle me that.

Plus, doesn't everyone have their shoes/socks grouped together by color, type, and style? And, doesn't everyone strive to have their clothes folded in such a way to resemble that of the Gap? Who wouldn't want their clothes to look like a retail clothing shop display? Ummm, I do, and it rates pretty high on my list. I think these are healthy semi-normal characteristics we can all agree on that don't cross that fine line into OCD territory. Right? I like to know the shizzle I have, I like it to be organized, and I like to be able to find it. Just because the rest of all you crazy people prefer to have piles of crap lying all around doesn't mean that I'm the one with problems!

Following suit, I have a scary and uncanny ability to be super observant about almost everything. My mom loves to make comments about how I'll take such great care of her when she is older. Usually she's being sarcastic because at the time, I'm pointing out that she has crumbs all over her face or tried to put two earrings in one earring hole. Nice try. I can't just let that shit slide. I can always notice if anything is out of place. It's not really something I'm proud of...it's just innately wired in my head I guess, and I can't do anything about it. Like, I used to be able to tell my ex-boyfriend, "you came home from work, went for a run, drank a beer, and then had this as a snack"...or something along those lines. And, then we'd laugh and laugh and laugh. Actually, I'd laugh, and he'd mostly sit there looking perplexed and wondering what he had done wrong in a past life.

Hey, it's not like I have to turn light switches on and off 17 times for fear that if I don't, my dog might keel over and die. And, it's not like I feel the need to clean my asshole out with a toothbrush after taking a bowel movement (not even kidding - that was a legit episode I saw one day on "Obsessed" on TLC). Those are serious fucking issues. Mine can still be considered "cute" or "not too crazy".

Organization has always been one of my number one strong suits...in fact, many of the jobs I've had in the past have focused on it. Maybe because I'm a Capricorn (if you believe in astrology...which, let's be honest, you probably shouldn't because it's kinda silly).

At any rate, I'm a great house guest. If you invite me over and I stay for a little while, I'll always leave the place in better condition than before I arrived. The only annoying thing is, this is exactly the type of shit messy people don't even notice. Ya know what they do notice though? The missing booze.

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