The Most Annoying Person Ever

Recently, when my friend Louise visited me for the weekend, we went out for dinner and drinks in this section of Tampa referred to as SoHo <---- that's a cool name for South Howard Ave., the street that all the bars are on in that particular area of town.

Some tell-tale signs for knowing you're in SoHo are:
1) You're surrounded by douchebags.

That's really about it.

If we're getting technical, there are maybe a few more:
2) The guys seem to have all just stepped out of a frat house. See #1.
3) You're wondering why no one is out by 8-9pm, and then you remember it's one of those areas where people (a.k.a. douchebags. See #1.) don't go out til about 11pm.
4) You can literally see girls' vaginas due to their choice in "clothing".
5) You have to pay at least $5 to park in a CVS parking lot or some other similar parking lot where parking is normally free in 99% of the United States.
6) You feel really unattractive, old, and like you graduated from college a bazillion years ago when in actuality, you are still pretty young.

So yeah, we went there for a "change". Change is not always good.

After dinner, we headed down the street to one of the bars where we hung out with the other approximately 4-5 people that were also at the bar by like 7:30pm. All in their 30s, like us, I'm assuming. They probably all had just enjoyed a nice dinner, like us, rather than pre-gaming back at their place.  #totallyuncool

We each got a drink, sat at a table, chatted, and kept our vajays concealed. As people started to fill in, a couple douchebag-ish guys came over to talk to us. The opening line had something to do with needing Ibuprofen or Tylenol for his bad sinuses. Does Ibuprofen or Tylenol even help sinuses? After I extracted some Ibuprofen from my huge, satchel bag and definitely not my super tiny, cute clutch, the guy sat down and called his friend over. Now that we had exchanged drugs, I guess we were besties. They actually weren't too horrible, so we talked to them for a while until they went up to the bar to get some more drinks.

This is when the most annoying person in the entire bar decided it was his perfect opportunity to come over and be the most annoying person in the entire bar.

Now picture for me if you will a 44 year old hick with Wrangler-ish jeans on, worn in white Reebok-ish sneakers, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Got it? Excited? Excellent.

So yeah, HE came over and said quite the assortment of things:
1) We are very attractive girls, but he wanted us to know he would NEVER have sex with us. Like, ever.
2)  He asked where our boyfriends were, and we told him they were at home (hey, my future boyfriend might have been at home somewhere, right? In Louise's case, it was actually true) and that it was a girl's night out. He told us our boyfriends must not really be in love with us because if they were, they wouldn't want us going out alone for a girl's night. He said they would be right by our side at all times. We said that sounds kind of like scary talk, and it's important for girls to have their independence. He thought this was a bunch of malarkey.
3) He told us he used to be by his wife's side at all times until she died in a car crash. We felt momentarily sad for him until he started speaking again.
4) He offered to buy us shots a few times, and we turned him down because Louise didn't want one, and I told him I was being a responsible driver. He did not think responsible driving was important I guess because on the final time I turned him down, he told me I was a "pretentious bitch".

The guys we were originally talking to glanced over after getting drinks, saw we were preoccupied with a mental patient and never came back. We then went to the bathroom and headed to a different bar to get away from the most annoying person ever.

Oh, but guess who was already there too when we went up to the bar to order a drink? YEPPPPPPP!

Five Day Workweek and a Parking Ticket

I've had two three day workweeks in a row! The first two weeks of March were just swellllll.

The first week was short because I took two days off for moving, and the second week was short because I took two days off for Don-Yell's visit.

Now, I'm back to the regular five day workweeks which are a lot worse than the three day workweeks because of, ya know, those extra two days of working.

It's rough getting back into the swing of things after being out on vacation because not only do you not want to go back after having fun, but also, all the emails. And, all the people waiting for you the moment you enter the door saying things like "did you see my email?" At this point, I like to glance casually (but in a not so casual way, too) at my black computer screen, which hasn't been turned on yet. If that doesn't do the trick, I then say "my computer isn't on yet, so I haven't seen the email." Then, I go get coffee, pee, and look at all my other emails first...probably even in that order.

Anyway, so ugh, that's why I'm blogging while at work. Last week at this time, I was preparing for a four day weekend, so I figure this week, at this time, I should take a blogging break.

I did book another mini vacation to look forward to! I'll be going to Rhode Island at the end of July and staying with my friend Nicole. I haven't seen her in close to a year, so it will be really nice to spend time with her, see her house in Rhode Island, and hopefully see a bunch of other people too.

Getting to the other part of my story...

When my parents, Don-Yell, and I were in downtown St. Pete for brunch this past Sunday, we got a parking ticket. And, when I say "we", I mean that I single-handedly was responsible for getting us said parking ticket.

Here is how the conversation went:
Me: Park right over there - that looks like a good spot
Mom: Ok. We have lots of quarters for the meter
Me: That sounds silly. Save your quarters, and buy yourself something pretty little lady. I got this. I'll use my handy phone app
::I then proceed to tell everyone about my handy phone app and how fool-proof it is::
::I then pay for our parking spot using my fool-proof phone app::
::We eat brunch and go to the car::
Dad: ::Picks up large green envelope on front windshield of car that says PARKING TICKET::
Dad: We got a parking ticket
Me: That hardly seems possible

Oh, but it was. It was very possible, in fact.

You see, my handy phone app is linked to my license plate (information that I entered when I first downloaded the app and then promptly erased from my memory). And, my license plate is on my car, which was parked securely in its parking spot at my condo complex at the time.

Essentially, it was like we hadn't paid for parking at all. It was like we had thrown caution to the wind, took a look at the parking meter and said "eff you parking meter", and strolled into the restaurant like bad asses.

On that fateful day, I got to pay $3.35 to park my car at my condo complex (a convenience that I usually enjoy for free) and $25 for my parent's car.

 

Don't worry, they were glad we were there though. 

 

So glad, in fact, that if I went to wherever their office is located with my parking ticket and a receipt proving I paid $25 at a restaurant or shop that day, they would waive the charge. However, they bank on people being lazy - which I was - so, here is $25 for you sir.

7 Months Later

It's basically been 7 months since my last blog post! Happy new year, I guess. Let's hope I can keep up with this thang better than I have in the past.

I went back and looked at most of my previous posts, and some of them seem so dumb now. But, some of them also seem more funny than I thought I was capable of, and I'm not sure I can be as funny anymore - especially since I started this blog over 2 years ago while living in a retirement community with my parents. Obviously, there is a lot of material to draw from under those circumstances.

At any rate, I will try because it's pretty fun to look back on. Also, I think blogging popularity is pretty much on its way out or already out, so maybe if I keep up with it, it will become trendy again soon (since all that sort of stuff always comes full circle), and my friends will think I'm really cool. It will be kind of sneaky - kind of like how hippies weren't cool anymore, so now there are hipsters instead - which is pretty much the same thing except with less patchouli oil and a lot more glasses.

Anyway, here is where things netted out in the last 7 months. I'm still living in St. Pete and loving it. If there is any reason to leave this area or Florida in general, I haven't found it yet. I'm actually living at the same complex that I lived at for a year when I first moved to St. Pete. I really love it here and am excited to have my own place again. Still working at Ideal Image aaaaand my underarms are now hairless - ta da! I think that's about it. Oh, wait - and I now use whole milk instead of skim.

Ironically, during my last post, I had just visited Danielle in NYC, and this past weekend, she just visited me. Both trips for free! Now that my dad works for himself, he won't rack up all the frequent flyer miles like he used to, but these types of free trips were fun while they lasted.

Here is what we did:
Thursday - Danielle's flight arrived at 2:20pm, and I got to the airport early to pick her up. This meant I then had to drive around the airport approximately 236 times before she came out. This also meant I was simultaneously frustrated and excited when I saw her. We then made the mutual decision to act like sister wives that evening (it's not what you're thinking) - which meant food shopping at Publix together and making ourselves a lovely salmon dinner. Upon arrival, Danielle proclaimed it was "hot" (high 60s) and also made the blanket statement later on that she "doesn't recycle" (not ever apparently - not even when there is a recycling bin on the patio deck). I knew I was in for a good time! I also knew I would have to periodically peruse my garbage and then berate her.

Friday - We went to Treasure Island beach, and then I wined/dined her at Capital Grille for dinner. I had a $100 gift card there. I'm sure the waitress wasn't surprised when we pulled it out. I had a filet mignon that was parmesan/horseradish encrusted, and it was pretty much the best thing I've ever eaten. Granted, for $46, I could basically eat for a whole week, but whatevs. Danielle also got a really good steak, and I don't think we spoke a word to each other while we enjoyed our food - ah, best friends. Oh, we also went out for drinks in St. Pete that night.

Saturday - I told Danielle I wanted to take her to a touristy beach, so I thought of one that would be really uncomfortably crowded and almost not enjoyable - Clearwater! The water was freeeeezing, but we both managed to go in completely. First swim of the year! At night, we went to the St. Patty's day celebration/parade in Ybor - kind of like a Mardi Gras with beads getting thrown at you, etc. Met up with some other friends that night for dinner/bar hopping, and it was a lot of fun. Great way to spend her last night here.

Sunday - My parents made the quick 3 hour drive here to see her (and I think to see me too?). We went out for brunch and hung out for a bit. Then, Danielle had to be at the airpot by 3:30pm.

All in all, a short trip but very fun! Here are some pics:

Not pictured: Danielle's paleo lunches which included avocado smooshed into roast beef and falling out the sides.

This is how dumb I am. Also, I went to NYC.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, I have a blog?

Guaranteed this is what I'll be like if I ever have a child. Oh, you're 4 months old? Cute little thing, arentcha? 

So, I do a lot of really dumb shit. Like, stuff where I basically seem mentally handicapped (to others and myself) and need someone to check in with me on a daily basis just to make sure I'm holding up ok. I don't even want to talk about it.

Except I will talk about this one example:

Yesterday, I was at work - that's typically what I do on a Monday through Friday basis, ya know. And, I have to park my car in a parking garage on those mornings. This is precisely when the day starts to get tough for me. So, I roll in at 9:15am because 9am is for silly sallys, and I park my car on parking level 6 (crucial information). There are 7 parking levels total.

Now, normally, when someone tells me their name and I'm trying to focus and remember it, I'm thinking about unicorns or ice cream cones instead. Same thing goes with this parking garage madness. I repeat six, six, six in my head a few times, which I should remember cuz it sounds like sex, which I'm sort of a fan of. But, instead, my brain is all like "ooooooooh, I wonder if there is free breakfast. I was supposed to meet our new Regional at 8:30am, but I totally missed that. Let me get inside ASAP, completely neglect my parking garage memorization responsibilities, eat food, and think about unicorns. Einstein bagels hopefully, yum!"

The free food does not look enticing. No after thought of my car.

I get through my work day. I walk to the parking garage. Light bulb: I have no clue where my car is located. I have a 2008 car with only a manual key entry (I know, wtf?), so I can't do that little clicky noise thing.

I at least manage to remember I was on a higher level, so I actually try level 6 first. I walk down the 2 rows of level 6, but no car. I do the same thing with level 7, then 5, then 4. Then, I try 6, 7, 5, and 4 again looking even better this time. Nope, no car. At this point I'm thinking my car is stolen. I try level 3 and level 2 just for shits and giggles. Not giggling; almost shitting.

It's like a whole half hour later now. Visual: I'm swinging my lunch box in my hand, water bottle, purse, and I'm getting sweaty because it's Florida - in the middle of summer - in a parking garage. So, I'm looking pretty cool, obviously. Where is my car?!? People driving down starting at level 7 have probably seen me on level 7 and then level 4 by the time they exit their lucky asses out of the parking garage. I just keep walking along though smiling casually as though it's all normal, I do this all the time, and I'd prefer to get my nightly walk in, with a variety of items in both hands, before I'm at home.

Welllllllll, I call my friend at work to complain or to come drive me around the parking garage levels while I scour with my head out the window. No answer. I try to think if I have any other friends. Nope.

Now I'm getting pissed. Not about the friend thing - mostly about my car. I decide to try level 6 one last time. Oh, so simple, there's my car in plain fucking sight. Just sitting there all happy looking and light blue. I think someone must have moved it and then plopped it down just to mess around with me.

I guess what really happened was my car was waaaaaaay at the end of one row and must have been behind a van/truck, so I didn't check down far enough. And, this time, the van/truck was gone so I could see my car in sight.

I've never been so happy and pissed (I felt like my car played a trick on me) to see my car.

Today I walked to work, across a highway bridge.

Speaking of bridges, I went to NYC and visited my dear friend Danielle, rest her soul. Jk, she's still alive! I no longer call her "Pip" since I have a dog named "Pippi". Instead, I call her "Don-yell" in a really weird, manly voice. What? It's cute.

Anyway, here are some pics:

I was the head lifeguard...

yes, me.

It's no secret that I don't look like the strongest swimmer out there...and, I wasn't. I was the weakest swimmer, actually. I also had the worst swimming time. I also looked and was the weakest, just in terms of general muscle health.

During a lifeguarding class, my lifeguard partner (who is now my best friend, Danielle) told me, while practicing her skills as I feigned drowning, that saving my life was equivalent to dragging a stick out of the water. She was concerned about how her abilities would hold up in a more real world scenario.

What was even more concerning though was my lack of any recognizable skills.

Every other lifeguard except for me had been on the swim team in high school. Every other lifeguard could swim 20 laps in under 10 minutes. I got 10:06, promptly slit my wrists and then tried again the following week. To be fair though, the lifeguard swimming next to me did most of his 20 laps using the backstroke...and, that was fine and allowed. Because, if someone is drowning and it's your responsibility to swim out and save them, the backstroke is clearly the best option for a successful completion of that task.

So, this all begs to question, why did I become a lifeguard and how did I then become the head lifeguard? Obviously that journey involved a whole lot of careful traversing which is now worthy of a blog post? Welllllllllll, not really.

The short version is that during my junior year of high school, my mom thought I'd make a good lifeguard. I believed her because I was decent at swimming, and I had made it all the way from "minnow" to "shark" during those lessons at the YMCA...so, there had to be something untapped there. Luckily, I was also very interested in sitting in a chair all summer long and working on my tan while getting paid a pretty high hourly rate.

The decision was made. I then went to a one week lifeguarding class, did a pretty shitty job the whole time and ended up as a lifeguard. I then continued to do a pretty shitty job for about 4 summers in a row and ended up as the head lifeguard for summers number 5 and 6. Apparently, seniority (and maybe the fact that I was responsible), instead of an unparalleled swimming skillset, is paramount when it comes to potentially saving the lives of drowning victims. This line of thinking is good news for my future career path.

It's important to note that I wasn't a lifeguard at a beach. I was a lifeguard at a cushy pool/lake in a man-made lake community in the northwest corner of CT. It was fairly small, so after a short while, you knew everyone and became familiar with all the kids' swimming abilities. Oh, he's fine, I don't need to watch him.

The lifeguards biggest issues here had nothing to do with saving lives. It was pretty much a whole lot of "no running" and "no flips in the deep end". But, we also mixed it up with:
1) Consistently making sure the mentally handicapped 40 year old had on his water diaper any time he came to the pool
2) Carefully watching the obese man, who used an oxygen tank, sit on his noodle (because none of us knew what the hell we'd do if............)
3) Helping the weekend New Yorker kids find their nannies when their mothers were no where in sight
4) Gossiping - that was also very important
5) Making everyone get out of the pool for 30 minutes at even the slightest sound of thunder

My biggest challenge as head lifeguard was getting teenagers to show up to work according to the schedule I made each week. Who would have thought teenagers would be unreliable? Ohhh, you got drunk aaaand high last night? What nerve I have for scheduling your shift at 11am...please, proceed with taking the day off. That's my bad. 

Turns out my actual lifeguarding skills weren't that important after all.

I'm SMOKING!

Well, yes, I do have what some might consider above average looks, but that's neither here nor there.

What I mean to say is:
Smoking cigarettes...
Gross! Vom! Uncool! Waste of money! Cancer! Smelly! Stupid! Waste of time! Puke! Ugh! Trashy! What year is it?!

These are pretty much all my non-deep, surface layer thoughts on smoking. 

I'm honestly baffled any time I see someone above teenage age smoking. Sure, I'm aware it's super addictive, and I'm not a smoker, so I don't reeeeeally know what it's like. But, I sure as hell know how effing stupid it is for a plethora of reasons.

Back in the day, before people really knew how bad smoking was, it was like, the coolest thing ever. When my grandmother found my mom's matches in her pocket one day while doing laundry, my grandmother was like, "Yay, now I have someone else to smoke with"...seriously. It still sometimes seems cool when I'm watching "Mad Men" or some sort of indie film...but, then I remind myself of the sentiments explicitly stated above, and I come full circle. Just to put things in perspective, I'm 30, and my mom was allowed to smoke cigarettes in her hospital bed while I, a newborn resting snuggly inside a Christmas stocking (because I was born on Christmas Eve), lie beside her. That was only 30 years ago!

And, you used to be able to smoke on an effing airplane. Because a flying object in the sky is a great place to have some sort of fire-y little torch in your hand. Planes stay up in the air by sheer magic and wizardry (at least I think so), so let's test our luck even farther.

At my job, I'm in a department of about 5 people, including me. So really, 4 people, excluding me. Why am I doing math? God, I hate math (not as much as I hate smoking though), but that little subtraction problem was easy.

Are they all fat chefs you might wonder (all fat chefs smoke, FYI...just watch an episode of "Hell's Kitchen" and prove me wrong)? No! Although, it would be nice to have 4 chefs around me at all times while I tend to the administrative duties. That'd be the life. I'd have a bunch of delicious food, and they'd all die an early death due to the smoking, and then I can take over and get a lot of money. Huh?

Wow. The point is, all 4 of these people smoke! WTF!?! They are all pretty much my age too. Am I the only one that got the fucking memo?? Where the hell am I? Central Florida? Oh, riiiiiiiiiiight. Touche, self.

At one of my previous jobs at an advertising agency in Connecticut, there were about 50-60 people that worked there, and not a single person smoked. I kid you not. It was the best thing everrrr. I was so happy everyone was so smart (at least in that regard).

My parents both smoked for about 20 years, and now you'd never know it. They don't seem like smokers at all. Nowadays, they're into juiced kale, chia seeds, Dr. Oz, gluten free diets, they have 15 bikes of different varieties, etc. But, like I said, back when they were younger, it didn't seem nearly as bad, and everyone smoked.

I've tried smoking. I used to smoke 'socially' at some points in college while I was drinking. But, even then, it was because I was already kind of drunk and looking for something else to do...because smoking makes perfect sense under those circumstances. I never got to the point where I actually enjoyed it though, got anything from the nicotine, or bought my own packs. It actually would give me a headache a lot of the time.

I'm not a genius, but I'm assuming that's the way it starts for many people that still smoke up until now. It's just that, they probably have more addictive personalities than me, persevered a little more, maybe had some issues going on, got a little more into it, started buying their own packs, etc. And, then they're hooked before they know it. I mean, I do get why it happens.

It's just that, once you get to the age of say 25 or so, for the love of Mother Nature, fucking quit!!!!!!!! I know you have to be "ready" and it's hard, but have some self control and self respect and do it. It's worth it for so many reasons!

Controlling Birth

By the looks of Facebook (with people in my age group), particularly this time of year with babies dressed up as bunnies or sitting in a basket full of eggs, you'd never think birth control was even an option. But, it is, so most people in my age bracket are obviously having children willingly? That's a new concept I'm getting used to as I embark on my journey of being 30!

No, seriously, I know some people want to have kids and think they're a blessing and all that jazz. Take Mrs. Duggar, for example...who is not my friend on Facebook, nor anyone's friend, nor a good example of pretty much anything. But, still, look at the woman. I think she just had her 18th kid or something heinous like that. Well, now that her whole vagina has exited her body simply by being too flappy and just falling right out, she wants to adopt. I swear, I heard this on the radio recently. So crazy. This woman looooves kids. Who the fuck cares that population growth is exponential, your children will likely follow the same bad example and have millions of kids themselves, there's no way you can possibly give 18 kids everything they deserve in life, your newest kids are actually being raised by your oldest kids, etc.? Who gives a shit about all that? Minor details. This woman thinks she's going to heaven, but she'll be going straight to hell. Her husband too.

Anywayyyyyy, the point of this post is birth control. Since I don't intend to have a child of my own sitting in a basket full of eggs by next Easter, I'm a big fan of birth control. Aaaaand, seeing as I just went to the gyno for my annual (well, when I say "annual", that implies I go annually, but I hadn't gone in two years, so yeahhhhh, shhhhhh...), I decided to ask about birth control while I was there.

Can I just mention that my gyno's office was bright pink...because women go there, and all women LOVE pink and vaginas are pink. At least, these are the reasons I imagine were specified when they were trying to decide on the building color.

So, I was on the pill in the past for a few years, and I hated it. I hated having to take it every day, I hated putting fake hormones into my precious body, I hated having a fake period, I hated not living on the edge and being surprised each month (jk). So, off the pill I went, and condoms were the next easiest answer...super easy answer for me actually, haha.

Anyway, when I was at my "annual", I was asking about birth control options aside from the pill. I know there are tons these days, but I made the mistake of not googling any of them first. Normally that's the first thing I do (doctors loooove that..."well, I read on mdhealth.net that you're wrong...you silly goose and your 8 years of extended schooling!"), but birth control options isn't exactly the funnest google search in the world, so I was probably volunteering drinking/having sex the night before my appointment instead.

Here are the horrible birth control options (some of them, anyway):
~ Well, there's the pill...terrible
~ Condoms...terrible
~ Women's condoms...uhhhhh? nope
~ Shots...not only do you have to get a shot every 3 months, but you'll most likely get fat from them
~ Patch...no way, that's just a fancy way of saying "sticker"
~ There are plenty more I'm leaving out (like the NovaRing) that are equally as bad

Ok, so those listed above are the worst ones. But, this one also sounded pretty bad...the ParaGard Copper IUD. The way this little gem works is it gets inserted up you WHILE YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD, and the device causes an inflammatory response in your uterus. Already, this sounds great. Essentially, this inflammatory response then makes your uterus so inhospitable to sperm that a baby could never possibly grow in such a god awful environment. That's convenient because I love to poison myself and bonus, cancer usually has a lot to do with an inflammatory response in the body, so let me willingly go ahead and do that. Also, it'd be extremely comfortable to have a device inserted into me while I have my period. That would be so fun! Sounds like a well rounded example of everything I enjoy.

It kind of reminds me of those commercials with a million random, horrible, side effects that makes you wonder why you'd even take the drug in the first place. Like this:
hehe

Sadly, the best option sounds like Mirena...which is another device (that looks extremely similar to a chicken wishbone) that gets inserted up you, but instead of causing an inflammatory response in your uterus, it uses hormones (like the pill). It stays there for up to 5 years (and when you take it out, it's supposedly reversible), and the hormones make your uterus so thin, that again, a baby would never be able to grow and thrive in such an environment. A lot of women don't even have their period while they are on it because there is hardly any uterus to shed. Now, not having to worry about birth control and not having a real period for any length of time sounds awesome, but maybe I'm just old school or a hippie...because something about having a foreign object inside me for YEARS and something about my body not having its normal period, just doesn't sit right with me.

P.S. Please do not take my thoughts, opinions, or "medical advice" seriously...however, I am a genius...so, there's that.