Just because I'm single doesn't mean I want to date a 23 year old holy roller

Cha! Seriously though, because I'm single, people looove to try to set me up or conjure up all these great ideas of me dating other single people (a.k.a. losers or people I'd never get along with even while heavily sedated or like, completely roofied and drooling all over my chest).

In their head...
"Oh, you're single? That's great news because I know this one-eyed wombat that is really looking to settle down. His leg is kind of mangled from the accident and so he has a bad limp, but he's totally nice."
Ummm, nope.

Ok, maybe it's not quite that bad, but I'm also not exaggerating too much. You have to know what I mean. You probably even do the same thing if you're already in a relationship...I mean, I used to do the same thing...all the freaking time. You try to set up two people that, even if you don't think they'd be a great match, you think it might be ok. And, by 'ok', I mean an applicable date might be looking for a nice pair of gym shorts at Kohls vs. making out or having an intellectual conversation...or any type of conversation, for that matter. Who's keeping score here anyway? You're single...I'm just trying to help you out.

 Welp, the tables have now been turned.

No, I don't want to date your retarded cousin with a lazy eye. No, of course I don't like guys that are really nice but not hot at all. Duh.

This is just a bunch of smack talking (actually, the gym shorts example is a totally true example...totes magotes), but let me give you a couple of real life scenarios so you can see what I'm working with here...
1) I was at a chamber of commerce event recently in order to do some networking, etc. for our family's new business, and this woman was telling me all about some nice, younger guy that she knows. He was 23. People usually assume I'm somewhere between the age of 18-22 (at least that's what I assume since I constantly get asked what I'm studying in college...uhhh, graduated in 2005, but I guess geography is pretty cool?). I think it's because my boobs still haven't fully developed and I don't wear a lot of make up. Oh, and maybe because I'm not morbidly obese. But, since I'm 29, a 23 year old guy (who, based on age stereotypes for guys which usually ring completely true, probably acts around the age of 18) isn't the most appealing thing in the world. But, then she also told me he is a virgin and really religious...as if these attributes alone would make me squeal with delight. Aaaaaand, he broke up with his previous girlfriend because even though she went to bible study faithfully, she was starting to question some things in the bible. Apparently, it was really tough for him to break up with her because he loved her, but he knew he had to do it because of the whole questioning of the bible thing. HOLY CRAP. Noooo freaking way, worst match ever. A 23 year old that's super religious aaand a virgin!? I'll pass.

2) At another business meeting, my mom offered up the fact that I'm single. Naturally, business meetings are the perfect forum to bring up and then talk about that sort of thing. So, the business owner we were talking to asked me how tall I was (5'9"), and then he said he knew a single 30 something year old cop that is 6'7". Well, perfect! I'm 5'9", so obviously I want to date a huge giant.

Those are my two main examples other than getting asked out for drinks by a 65-ish year old man. That's besides the point though because he didn't even know if I was single or not. He was just being gross. Even if I was single, oh wait, I am, I wouldn't go out with a 65 year old man. I think that pretty much goes without saying, but just in case you were wondering if I went out with him or not, I felt the need to clarify.

hardy har har

i know i've said this before but jenna marbles cracks me up. she makes a new video every wednesday, and here is the most recent one...

funny video

"If you're going to San Francisco...

...be sure to wear some flowers in your hair." 

This August I'll be taking a little vacation to CT for about a week and a half to visit some friends. I'm so excited! I didn't even have to pay for my flight because of my dad's frequent flyer miles...win win win win win win...winning. Ironically, last August was when I took a leap by totally changing up my life and moving to Florida, so the timing seems somewhat fitting for my return visit. Plus, I don't really plan to ever visit there again unless it's in the summer anyway (if I can help it)  ;-)

The last real vacation I went on was this past November. I visited my friend Haley in San Fran for a little over a week, and it was awesome. I didn't even feel an earthquake once! She was able to take the week off from work, so we did tons of fun stuff the whole time. Like, if you can think of literally anything to do in San Fran, we freakin' did it. We even went food shopping at Trader Joe's which is pretty much at the top of my list. I can't even remember the last time I saw Haley before that. We became best friends at my first high school and have kept in touch ever since. Even though we don't talk a ton and I certainly don't see her as much as I'd like, it's one of those things where we truly pick up right where we left off when we do finally see each other...as if there was no huge gap of time or space between us. Things change but basically they stay the same (thanks Dave Matthews).

Napa Valley :-)

Beasley, Haley's dog

Sushi night

Napa Valley

More of driving in Napa

Muir Woods - tons of redwoods! However, did I get any nice photos of a single redwood? Noooo, of course not.

The beach!

Beasley enjoying the sunshine

Haley getting sick of my photo genius

DJ, Stephanie & Michelle Tanner's street

Bright Victorian!

Drinking

Tourist activities abound!

Golden Gate

The best irish coffee everrr

more quotes

here, i'll let some other people say some stuff.

Aaaand, this is why my family is great...

First off, I know what you're thinking...no, Ben is not African American but yes, that is a strapless bra...at a public beach...while my brother smiles happily in very close proximity (actually, we are not only in close proximity but also appear to be shaking hands for some unknown reason). I was wearing a strapless bra because I had just gotten a tattoo the day before, and I don't have any bandeau type bathing suits that don't tie around my neck (which would obviously irritate the tattoo). Therefore, I made the adult and responsible decision to wear my strapless bra and not take off my polo shirt. Not only did I not want a bathing suit strap to irritate my tattoo, but I also didn't want to expose it to the sun. Instead, I ended up shirtless, full-on bra, with my tattoo shining in the sun. Sometimes that shit happens dude. (Disclaimer: I'm actually quite responsible and this photo makes me look like way more of a wayward rebel than I actually am)

If that photo alone doesn't speak volumes for the lovely relationship I have with my brother, I will now proceed with less pictures and more words.

My mom buys 'bully sticks' for the dogs. If you're gonna google that shit, don't say I didn't warn you. They are these dog bones made out of dried bull dicks and spinal chords. Nope, not even kidding. Dogs like the nastiest things, but I guess they're supposed to be good for their teeth. She orders the "odorless" kind which roughly means that they only smell 95% as bad as the full-on "full of odor" kind. We usually have two lying around the house on any given occasion, and one is usually big because Missy takes her sweet ass time with hers, and Pippi's is usually small because apparently she loves gross things like chomping away feverishly on bull dicks. She always comes to bed smelling like low tide or dead fish (that's evidently what dried dicks smell like to me). Anyway, we're constantly picking them up when we leave the house to make sure neither dog chokes on them when we're gone (imagine telling people your dog died due to choking on a bull's dick?), so we're always furiously going around the house saying things like "did you find the big dick?" or "I found the small dick", as if we're partaking in some sort of fucked up easter egg hunt. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't sound very normal or family friendly to strangers.

Today my brother told us that he googled himself and found some article written about him when he was a senior in high school. My first reaction was that I was honestly impressed because it's really not all that easy to google yourself when your last name is Friend (he told me you have to put your name in quotes...oooooh). My second reaction was wow, I guess the family business is allowing you to have ample free time. Naturally, my brother read the article aloud to my family and his girlfriend (he is always reading things aloud to us, and if they are things about him, all the better). It was a wonderful article about how he was the leader of his senior class or something...the article used adjectives like 'fearless' and 'stoic' to describe Ben...to which my mom exclaimed something along the lines of, "that's bullshit, you did nothing for that class!" Ben declined to comment.

Unfortunately, the rest of the google searches came back only with arrests and police blotters. I was the easy child because I only got arrested once. But, in my defense, apparently Michigan state resident cards aren't the most prominent form of ID for legit 21 year old Connecticut residents. Who know? That sketchy Indian nice man at "Whatever Photo ID" in Manhattan sure lead me astray.

Well angel faces, this is getting pretty long and convoluted, so I'll stop there.

Cute Overload Like Whoa!

Uh, just to warn you, things are about to get cute...like, so cute you might pass out. Check it out yo...

Maisy Stella (age 7) plays and sings "Secret"

Cute overload, am I right? Did this kid come from the cute factory or straight from heaven or what? If so, thank you Jesus (pronounced hey-soos). I don't even think kids are all that cute most of the time, but even I was rolling around on the floor in amazement and bewilderment...and, by "rolling around on the floor", I mostly mean my eyes were glued to the computer screen while my foot tapped along in rhythm (a.k.a. completely out of rhythm) to these sweet beats.

Her older sister Lennon is also really good!

This is also cool!

And, aren't Lennon and Maisy just the cutest fucking names ever for two girls? As if they needed reason to be any cuter...a musical legend and a 115 year old lady. I'd like to meet their parents so I can say "good job" or "nice work" or "can I pretend to be their sister and soulfully shake a tambourine discreetly in the background?". Then, I'd ask to 'borrow' them to try to make a lot of money in the shortest amount of time possible. At the very least, I'd drive them straight over to the Ellen show.

Wow! Such talent in little tiny packages.

John Mayer, etc.

I'm not the biggest John Mayer fan by any stretch of the imagination. He went to my high school, although admittedly, I never met him because he graduated before I even started. I actually like his voice a whole lot, but his songs usually just don't do anything for me. They're too boring...or something. I'd rather watch paint dry or poke my eyes with sharp objects or partake in competitive sporting events. However, I have to say, I'm liking this song. He looks a little ridiculous though...kinda like he's auditioning for Brokeback Mountain.

Sometimes I forget music videos even exist until I look them up on YouTube...the source for all things reliable and true. Now that Carson Daly is a sell out and isn't running the show over there at TRL, I don't have a clue what's going on.

On a related note (and, when I say "related", I'm using that word with the loosest interpretation possible), I received a funny video (see the relation? another video) from my parents last weekend when they were in Ohio visiting my grandmother and doing fun things for her like weeding her garden, cleaning her gutters, etc...all while drinking kool aid (a.k.a. wine) to make the experience all the more enjoyable. My mom just discovered that she can make videos on her iPhone, so that should pretty much set you off on the right foot. Here it is.

Pretty funny. 30 years of marriage and still going strong! If only we could all be so lucky.