...and the subsequent totaling of my my mom's car.
(fyi people, this happened about 4-5 years ago, so don't go getting all scared...just makes for a good story/cry)
Here are some photos to set the scene. I bet you were already picturing thin, floppy burgers, obesity, sticky children, and greasy french fries in your mind. But, BAM, airbag-singed wrists instead!
Yep, those are pictures of my real wrists. Who would have thought something so simple as a crackhead wanting a burger from McDonald's could turn into such a grizzly scene? Actually, I suppose crackheads wanting a variety of things, namely crack, could easily turn into all types of grizzly scenes. But, I digress.
Anyway, here's what happened. I was driving home from kayaking and having lunch with the "Adventure Club" (yeah yeah, that's a story for another day). I was literally 2 minutes from my apartment. I was doing everything right - I was driving the speed limit, I had my seatbelt on, my open alcohol container was safely concealed (jk), I even had my hands at 10 and 2 o'clock, like they tell you to do in driver's ed. Little did I know, on the other side of the street, an antsy crackhead was extremely pumped to pull into McDonald's and order a burger. So much so that she apparently forgot all the normal rules of driving, like checking for traffic before making a lefthand turn. I guess when you're a crackhead and you're really fired up about eating food devoid of nutritional value, this is the type of shit that happens.
I was traveling down a road that had 3 lanes. I was in the leftmost lane. McDonald's was to my right. The crackhead on the other side of the road made a lefthand turn to try to pull into the McDonald's parking lot and smashed completely into the front of my car, right around the driver's side door/tire area. She wasn't going too fast (luckily) because she was starting from a stopped position, but I was probably going about 35 mph because I didn't see her or expect anyone to be doing anything so stupid. Obviously, it was extremely startling and jarring. It was a huge impact and the airbag went off. It whizzed past my wrists (which like I said, were at 10 and 2 o'clock...turned out to not be the greatest hand positioning in this instance, after all) and hit me under the chin and in my face. I would have sworn my entire nose and face were completely broken, but luckily when I checked myself out in the mirror, only my nose piercing was bleeding.
When I finally realized what happened and felt fairly sane, I got out of my car (which was now completely turned around and flung into the lane closest to McDonald's). It was a little hard to do because the door was all mangled. The crackhead then gets out of her car too, pretty much walks completely past me, and takes a flipping seat on the front lawn of McDonald's...while lighting up a cigarette and proclaiming "all I wanted was a fucking burger". Geez, so sorry my car was in your way. Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. This crackhead was a girl. I know it's surprising since crackheads are usually guys.
The only reason I assume she was a crackhead is because...well, there are a few reasons. 1) Her reaction to the accident. Seriously?! 2) She had an extremely long pinkie fingernail and all her other fingernails were short. She certainly didn't look like any guitar player I've ever seen, and honestly, who would play a guitar with their goddamn pinkie anyway. 3) By the looks of her, she clearly couldn't afford the good stuff (pure cocaine).
I responsibly called the cops while she sat there smoking and looking pissed at me. Interesting, right? The cops came and obviously blamed her for everything. Then an ambulance had to come and all that fun stuff. Luckily, they got there just in time because after all my adrenaline wore off, my wrists were starting to burn like crazy. They poured some soothing stuff on them (and it also helped to clean them off because they had all this gray dust on them from the airbags) and gave me a couple ice packs. As I was getting all cleaned up, the crackhead started complaining that her thumb hurt. What a tragedy, I feel so bad for you.
So, I ended up having to shower with rubber gloves on for the next couple weeks as my wrists healed. And, I kinda had to stay out of the water and sun since it was summertime. Oh, and my mom's car was totaled. I was only using her car temporarily until I was able to buy a new one because literally a couple weeks before, my cabrio had kicked the bucket. And, the only reason I was able to use my mom's car was because she was using my brother's truck...because he had just gotten a DUI and wasn't allowed to drive. Thank you Ben for taking one for the team and thank you Jesus - what a blessing in disguise!
The kicker of the whole thing is that the next time I went to Stop & Shop to buy some groceries, guess who was at the end of the register bagging my groceries? The crackhead! And, guess who had a little bit more than a minimum wage job at the time? Me! Karma bitch!
Oh, aaaaaand, since I documented my healing process so well, the crackhead's insurance company decided to award me $7K for my 'pain and suffering'. And, I got $10K for the totaled car. All in all, well worth the $17K. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. My wrists are completely fine now, and the crackhead and I keep in touch (totally not even true).
The moral of the story is: Most of the time, when you meet a crackhead, something bad will happen. But, there just might be a silver lining.
Here I am with my wrists bandaged up (and apparently a very short shirt)
And here I am ecstatic to have a brand new car after just totaling my mom's
